Ancestors and All That

Have been immersed in researching family tree. On maternal grandfather's side, the Horns, have indeed proved to be Horn of Plenty. Right back to 1675. Was most impressed as Horns seem very fertile and well documented bunch. On paternal grandfather's side, discovered Strong Irish connection. My cousin had already done extensive research, and thinks there may be a Link to Nobility. Eek! Bit tenuous, but still.........Seems may have Huguenot blood in veins-a French connection! Mon Dieu! Cousin thinks visit to Ireland necessary to discover more. If means am of Noble Lineage, will be on next flight to the Emerald Isle. Also discovered few family skeletons. Nuff said.

Two is in yard re-jigging bird-table Pigeon Prevention mechanism. Does this on regular basis. Farmer next door has been doing mysterious things with cement in his out-house. Suspect mice have migrated there from own outhouse, and most probably munching through his pigeon feed. Is more surly looking than usual, so this distinct possibility as will (quite rightly) blame Two. Was warned about rodent infestation months ago, but being Two- he just ignored this. Am avoiding Farmer for time being.

Sunny August?

Is Tuesday August 10th and is mainly dull and cloudy, although sun is staging a comeback every now and then. Am discussing with Two what he would like for his 70th birthday, he rejects my offer of briar pipe and slippers with pom poms. Apparently would like jacket of wool, ready for Autumn. As Two seldom ventures out and attends very few, (very very few) social occasions, cannot see why needs new jacket. But is adamant. Have somewhat foolishly arranged surprise party at pub, which I fear is not one of my brightest ideas. However feel cannot let auspicious birthday go by unmarked. Three score years and ten! Now where have I heard that before? Hmm. Wish Two was more gregarious, but is solitary creature and inclined to be furtive. Am signing off now as is peering over my shoulder.

Continuation as last blog ended abruptly

Yes, well. Was merrily typing away at maximum speed, when blog suddenly vanished. In middle of sentence. So, as was saying, Crag-Hoppers are form of trainer very popular in Peak District. Okay.

Have decided to carry on, is now Saturday August 7th. Have been down road to get Daily Telegraph and Racing Post for Two. Got stuck behind three plump ponies on way back, and was reduced to crawling speed as no room to overtake. Must be some sort of Equine Event on today, as great herd of horses and ponies continually trotting past window. Am contemplating going for walk, despite fact do not personally own pair Crag-Hoppers. Two is crouched over his lap-top doing God Knows What. Am bored. May have Cornetto in minute. Still, is pub-night, and hopefully entertainment will turn up this week. If not, may induce Two to recite Albert and The Lion, which is sure to go down well. Must decide what to wear tonight. Perhaps new candy-stripe blouse with jeans and vertiginous heels? Or skirt and vertiginous heels? No danger of jiving with Trevor, as has arm in plaster. Two not good jiver, bit stiff. Almost robotic. No Joie De Vivre. Must also shower and wash hair in new volumising shampoo. Is all very exhausting, as takes hours to Get Ready. Hours.

Wish youngest daughter and Feckless One would visit as promised. Could do with some conversation, as Two not given to chattering. May go for walk. Probably will. Maybe.

Two Strikes Out On Own

Is Friday morning, and am woken by phone shrilling from landing. Is always alarming getting early morning (well, 8.50am) phone calls, but is only Dishy Young Joiner who is fitting our new front door. He wants to pop up and re-take measurements in 5 minutes. Two is still snortling peacefully with occasional 'harummphs' and 's-s-samovars', so I throw on jeans and sweater and await visitation. Must explain if have not already done so, (can't remember), but need new front door as matter of urgency before winter sets in. Old one has huge gaps down sides, is warped, and groans like castle door of Dracula when opened. Had imagined joiner would probably be Grizzled Old Artisan carrying bevy of ancient woodworking instruments, but was delighted to discover was in fact in modern parlance, extremely fit young bloke with roguish twinkle in eye! D.Y.J. duly arrives and re-takes measurements, then rips door surround off with apparent ease, to take more measurements. Puts frame back, and assures All is Under Control, and will have new and magnificent portal to cottage in matter of weeks. Is costing small fortune, but hey-ho, is necessary, as last winter Two put hideous sticky brown tape over cracks and gaps, which was not aesthetically pleasing.

Two is now downstairs, sniffing, and quaffing cup of tea. We are watching Heir Hunters on telly, which is quite entertaining. Two however appears to be glum. Glummer than usual. Perhaps because they haven't turned up a distant relation of his with large unclaimed inheritance? Morning drifts on, and then suddenly at midday, Two turns to me with beadily gleaming eyes, and announces 'He Has To Get Out or Will Go Mad'. Barely have I assimilated this alarming information, when he is climbing into his Crag-Hoppers, (to my certain knowledge, Two has never hopped a crag in his life, although I suspect a few hags have hopped on him, partial lifting of veil here), and is nearly out of the creaking front door. Hold fast, say I, so speedily has he leapt into action. Apparently he feels great urge to walk (or hop) down hill, catch bus, and visit local town. To buy bird-seed, and partake of small libation in Cirrhosis Central. Alone. Okay. We arrange I will drive in later and meet him at Supermarket. Hmm. Note to the uninitiated. Crag Hoppers are a form of shoe, much sought-after in the P

Is Summer-Time?

Well am back again after period of Much Soul Searching about Life. Am sad to report have reached no conclusions. Is Thursday, and is dull and drizzly. Expedition to Derby postponed because of adverse weather. Derby gloomy enough already. Have this morning received quote for new front door, and is as expected, over £800.00. Have decided however is necessary, so have decided to go ahead.

Forgot to mention in view of not blogging recently, that Trevor, my jiving partner at pub, came back for coffee a fortnight ago, sank rather a lot of whisky, and subsequently fell down (in own garden), and broke arm in two places. Is now in plaster for six weeks. Is insisting was not alcohol-induced fall, rather simple case of losing footing whilst venturing outside for fag at 3.30 am. According to landlady at pub, Trevor has history of falling down on journey home, and has hitherto been discovered lying helpless in hedges, or concussed from encounter with road signs. Have to confess did feel guilty when informed of his little accident, but must affirm did not pour whisky down throat, did this himself. However, he seems in remarkably good spirits, and is getting lot of sympathy and wisecracks from regulars in Malt Shovel.


Referring back to recent retail therapy in Chesterfield, have discovered new bra is a disaster. Is not Good Fit. In fact, is pathetic as has no pre-shaping, and just sort of hangs there. Sadly. Note to self: always ensure subsequent purchases have pre-formed cups. Have also reached conclusion that looking at self in mirror whilst trying on new underwear is bad for morale. Is not pretty sight.

Had alarming encounter with Enormous Spider yesterday as was sitting enjoying bowl of Cheerios. Suddenly saw out of corner of eye, large specimen crouching malevolently on fireplace. Abandoned Cheerios instantly, as felt very queasy, and lit fag prior to tackling it. Two was upstairs in shower, where he spends aeons doing God Knows What in way of personal grooming, so seized large tumbler, (which only just encompassed its hugely long and many legs), and despatched into yard. Still shuddering at memory.