Haircut £7

Had haircut this morning which cost £7 as usual. Gone are the days of £100 at nefarious salons. Is just as good. Collected Two from Doctors surgery whence he had gone for consultation about The Great Itch. Has been itching on and off for years, clawing at self in night. Bag of medication has now reached mind-boggling proportions. Two never so happy as when surrounded by potions, lotions and myriad pills. I fear he may become one of the NHS cuts. Went to Sainsburys and found Much Panic Buying in progress, as More Snow Predicted. Having experienced the trauma of The Last Teabag, can understand why people are stocking up. Have now decided to journey down South via Banbury and High Wycombe, cannot face crossing London. Bought new flannel as sister appears to shower using hands only technique. Two is now crouched over his latest anti-itching medication avidly reading the leaflet. Is saying, 'dust-mite allergies' to self and is now eagerly swallowing the pill. He thinks it might even be hay-fever, which is highly unlikely in December. Aah, has moved onto Possible Side Effects, which are Very Alarming. Too late, has swallowed pill. If puffs up, has fast heartbeat or goes bald overnight, we are to contact doctor immediately.

The Great Trek South

Am sitting in the gathering gloom, watching Flog It. Two is stretched out on sofa. No fire today, as Very Cold Weather has abated, but is predicted to return soon. We are running out of coal, so hopefully Two will remedy this situation in the not too distant future. I am orf down South in next couple of days. Investigated coach as means of transport as suggested by sister. Discovered to horror journey takes nine hours!!! Am going by train via London God help me. Am anxiously awaiting confirmation from France that willy nilly barrage of Christmas Presents have arrived safely. Youngest daughter is visiting eldest daughter at the moment. All of my brood are therefore currently en France. Am still slightly shocked by debacle of Elvis and girlfriend at pub (see previous blog). I fear he may be non personna gratis from now on. Is that the right expression? Have received lengthy list of questions regarding family from cousin in Yorkshire, in order he can complete our side of the Family Tree, which is notable for four marriages between my sister and myself, and myriad relationships that don't involve marriage. Quite a few little ones born the wrong side of the blanket as they used to say. I fear he may faint with horror.

The King is dead

Lordy lordy!!! I fear Elvis has left the building, possibly forever. Saturday night was a farce of truly heroic proportions. Elvis has a girl-friend, younger than him, blonde, and quite frankly a bit of a slapper. He is obviously obsessed with this creature and rumour has it his wife has left him. He sang to her, gazing lovingly into her eyes. Between sets they behaved with unmitigated lust in the corner. Finally, new girl-friend began dancing next to him, in front of him, practically in his pocket. She was wearing very tight leggings, almost black tights, which were slightly transparent, and a very low cut top more suited to the summer. She walked (in tiny high heeled boots) in manner reminiscent of veloceraptor (spelling wrong), from Jurassic Park, and danced in most peculiar fashion, utterly unaware of shrieks of mirth from people in pub. As evening wore on she danced ever closer to Elvis while he struggled to sing with her hanging off him and gazing into his eyes. They became a double act of dubious veracity. The landlady remarked that 'we can do without this' as she gazed in horror at them. Alas I have to agree. Like I said, The King is Dead.

Things that go bump in the night

The snow is melting at snails pace, but huge clumps are falling off the roof and landing with loud thuds, making me (jittery is my default setting) jump and yell 'what was that'? However has Warmed Up a bit.

What a Tour De Force was the live episode of Coronation Street last night! Brilliant. As predicted, Molly succumbed to her injuries after Death Bed in Rubble Confession to Sally. Rita is still undiscovered in carnage of Cabin, mewing pitifully. Peter staged a Brilliant Death Bed Wedding scene, but will he be Brought Back? Was utterly amazing. Ashley has left behind a sobbing widow woman. Fizz gave birth prematurely with shrieks of agony which had me crossing my legs in sympathy. As you may have gathered, I was Very Impressed.

Will watch episode tonight before going to pub to see Elvis. What a varied and exciting life I lead.

Submarine Fest

Is not so cold today. Snow is thinning out. Watched disaster unfolding on Coronation Street last night. Think Molly is a goner. Ditto Ashley. Worried about Rita who is in the Cabin, possibly impaled on a piece of Thorntons Nut Toffee and her cries for help unheard. Is live episode tonight for whole hour! Highlight of week. Even Two is engrossed. Mind you he likes watching people in extremis. (Refer back to Lifting the Veil hints in previous blogs), After The Street, watched Das Boot for the whole five hours. Went to bed exhausted as felt had been battling North Atlantic conveys single-handed. Love submarine films. Today watched We Dive at Dawn, circa 1943. Very inspiring. Note to self: Get Run Silent Run Deep. Is aim to own whole genre. Have very diverse taste in films. Am Going Down South next week to visit family. Hope snow does not return.

Newsflash. Had shower yesterday. Found presence of electric heater helpful, but not quite as balmy in bathroom as had hoped. Someone has used up all my skin softening cream. Two denies all knowledge. Will need to venture out tomorrow to shop. Hopefully ice on roads greatly diminished by slight rise in temperature. Then to pub to see Elvis cavorting in a variety of satin jump-suits. If indeed he makes it through the snow. Watch this space.

Two struggles to outhouse

Yesterday Two found journey to outhouse extremely perilous (is all of six feet). This due to nightly re-freeze of already frozen and lumpy ground. However dedication to our feathered friends is paramount, have become Two's extended family. Took hammer out to bash icy surface (to no avail). Suggested he lays down sacking or similar. Am waiting for shrill cry and dull thud. Or dull thud and shrill cry. Have decided cannot bear daily round of TV, culminating in Countdown, Deal or no Deal, Weakest Link, Eggheads, etc.etc.etc. ad nauseum. Decided to watch film Cheri as am re-reading the book (by Colette). Beautiful. Coronation Street disaster continued later, am I alone in wondering why the Emergency Services took aeons to arrive? Regret to announce am still Unshowered, but have placed heater in position again. Also need to address Cutting Toenails now back has improved. Am considering venturing to pub tonight to break monotonous regime whilst Snow and Ice bound. Is now eleven in morning and Two is snoring on sofa. Was up very early (up to no good I expect) and is now fast asleep. I have despatched Christmas presents abroad via Amazon, in fashion best described as Willy Nilly. Panicked when saw news item describing problems with deliveries due to severe weather conditions. Am picturing bemused family confronted with pile of gifts unlabelled. Imagine will provide hours of amusement working it out. Or Snorts of Derision.

In the bleak midwinter

Is Tuesday, and actually rather unbleak. Sun is shining on snowy fields as far as eye can see. Small thaw has been stopped in tracks by freezing temperatures. Am sitting in snug dressing gown plucking up courage to Have Shower. Even with innovation of electric fire blasting through bathroom door, is still daunting prospect. Is sub-zero in there. Ditto the kitchen, where is best not to dawdle as danger of doing impersonation of wife of Lot, except for pillar of salt read block of ice. Watched Christmas Disaster on Coronation Street last night, well okay pre-Christmas disaster. Explosion, mayhem and tram careering off viaduct onto unfortunate and unsuspecting cast members. Was little worried by vision of tram driver plummeting onto poor Molly, (I think). He looked like one of those plastic drivers in a child's toy. Immobile. But I suppose Frozen with Terror. All very exciting. Four funerals and a wedding indeed. How the national psyche loves a Major Disaster.

Am bored now, so will have shower and then perhaps learn a few irregular French verbs. Well, pourqoi pas?

The last Teabag

Yes, two feet of the white stuff, and am officially snowed in. Down to last teabag and other provisions running low. Two is extremely anxious at Teabag Situation. I not so, as prefer coffee in morning anyway. So- tottered carefully to pub for meal, and Kindly Friend hearing of plight, offered to take me shopping in his jeep, if he can extricate same from Deep Deep Snow. He lives in remote spot, so am not hopeful. He phones me in morning and transpires he needs farmer to bring tractor and clear snow before he can get out. Gloom descends as Last Teabag has been squeezed dry. Eventually, hallelujah- Kindly Friend phones again, farmer has cleared snow, and jeep is operational. He duly arrives outside cottage and slight brouhaha follows as he tries to haul me (and bad back) into lofty vehicle. Safely esconced we proceed down slippy hill to village, where further brouhaha occurs as I attempt to alight from jeep without breaking neck. Kindly friend lifts me down, (probably thinking Southern Softy or similar), and shopping is duly accomplished. I arrive home, (brouhaha number 3), and Two greets teabags in manner of Long Lost Love. Has kettle on before I have removed wellies. Kindly farmer delivers Huge Sack Spuds, which is kind, but will never get eaten as enough for several families. Have donated some to pub rather than See Go To Waste. Big Freeze is continuing-but tractor has cleared car-park so car liberated.

the more it snows tiddley pom...........

Yes snow is on the way. As am in Peak District, am reasonably confident Will Fall Here. Always does. Today have been doing Little Light Housework, but decided hoovering very bad idea due to Bad Back. Was tempted, but Thought Better Of It. Sprayed mirrors with Mr Muscle, (rare departure for me), and Great Smears materialised. Luckily sun not shining, so smears not too apparent. Gave Samantha Fox a quick spray as well, (as in Samantha Fox painting). Looks better, brush more vibrant. Am finding is easier to put tights on now, so hopefully back improving. Am thinking again of singing lessons, like to be able to warble with confidence.

Have just re-read the above and decided confirms I have mind of Grasshopper. Definitely need to practise writing again. Two has been out shopping, which gave me rare period of peace and quiet. Is always here. Doing Nothing. Feel strong desire to hurl something at back of his head as he sits on sofa tippy tapping on his lap-top. All day long. Tippy tap, tippy tap. Grrrr. Door frame needs painting, and feel will have to attempt this myself. Have never painted anything, but how hard can it be? Watch this space.

Phoenix arises

Okay, back again. Bit of trouble getting back in, but am here now. Is dull, cold November day, and Two is reluctant for some reason to light the fire. Is time to do this. Will have to do it myself, which will be difficult as have once again A Bad Back. This as result of dramatic and fairly impressive fall in bedroom. Got up to go to loo, skidded on paperback, ran into clothes horse, grabbed at it, described balletic leap and landed in heap by window. Arrrgh!!!!! Watched tennis at O2 this afternoon, Murray being vanquished by Roger Federer. Disappointing. Again. Am realising how close Christmas is getting, and starting to feel familiar twinges of urgency. Following request from son near Geneva, have addressed own Wish-List on Amazon, and succeeded in duplicating items. Am not terribly au fait with all this. Would like to import items from Marks and Spencer, John Lewis etc. but am guaranteed to get into Quandry, so have decided Best Not.

Good night at pub last Saturday, twinkle-eyes the Irish Singer in good form. Took a shine to me, which is encouraging as am OAP and creaking noticably. Maybe has blurred vision of me across room, as I have of him and anybody more than three feet away. Need to wear glasses to identify people now.

Had lunch with cousin Nigel recently. He is researching family tree, and proved to be quite amusing. Very tall and very clever. Think he thought I was daft as the pr0verbial brush. Still, he bought me lunch which was kind. Then scuttled off. No invitation to his home, 'The Rookery' sadly. Still, we live in hope. Nice guy. Sort of remember him as child. Am signing off now, need to get back into this, have Lost The Flow. Au Revoir.

Ancestors and All That

Have been immersed in researching family tree. On maternal grandfather's side, the Horns, have indeed proved to be Horn of Plenty. Right back to 1675. Was most impressed as Horns seem very fertile and well documented bunch. On paternal grandfather's side, discovered Strong Irish connection. My cousin had already done extensive research, and thinks there may be a Link to Nobility. Eek! Bit tenuous, but still.........Seems may have Huguenot blood in veins-a French connection! Mon Dieu! Cousin thinks visit to Ireland necessary to discover more. If means am of Noble Lineage, will be on next flight to the Emerald Isle. Also discovered few family skeletons. Nuff said.

Two is in yard re-jigging bird-table Pigeon Prevention mechanism. Does this on regular basis. Farmer next door has been doing mysterious things with cement in his out-house. Suspect mice have migrated there from own outhouse, and most probably munching through his pigeon feed. Is more surly looking than usual, so this distinct possibility as will (quite rightly) blame Two. Was warned about rodent infestation months ago, but being Two- he just ignored this. Am avoiding Farmer for time being.

Sunny August?

Is Tuesday August 10th and is mainly dull and cloudy, although sun is staging a comeback every now and then. Am discussing with Two what he would like for his 70th birthday, he rejects my offer of briar pipe and slippers with pom poms. Apparently would like jacket of wool, ready for Autumn. As Two seldom ventures out and attends very few, (very very few) social occasions, cannot see why needs new jacket. But is adamant. Have somewhat foolishly arranged surprise party at pub, which I fear is not one of my brightest ideas. However feel cannot let auspicious birthday go by unmarked. Three score years and ten! Now where have I heard that before? Hmm. Wish Two was more gregarious, but is solitary creature and inclined to be furtive. Am signing off now as is peering over my shoulder.

Continuation as last blog ended abruptly

Yes, well. Was merrily typing away at maximum speed, when blog suddenly vanished. In middle of sentence. So, as was saying, Crag-Hoppers are form of trainer very popular in Peak District. Okay.

Have decided to carry on, is now Saturday August 7th. Have been down road to get Daily Telegraph and Racing Post for Two. Got stuck behind three plump ponies on way back, and was reduced to crawling speed as no room to overtake. Must be some sort of Equine Event on today, as great herd of horses and ponies continually trotting past window. Am contemplating going for walk, despite fact do not personally own pair Crag-Hoppers. Two is crouched over his lap-top doing God Knows What. Am bored. May have Cornetto in minute. Still, is pub-night, and hopefully entertainment will turn up this week. If not, may induce Two to recite Albert and The Lion, which is sure to go down well. Must decide what to wear tonight. Perhaps new candy-stripe blouse with jeans and vertiginous heels? Or skirt and vertiginous heels? No danger of jiving with Trevor, as has arm in plaster. Two not good jiver, bit stiff. Almost robotic. No Joie De Vivre. Must also shower and wash hair in new volumising shampoo. Is all very exhausting, as takes hours to Get Ready. Hours.

Wish youngest daughter and Feckless One would visit as promised. Could do with some conversation, as Two not given to chattering. May go for walk. Probably will. Maybe.

Two Strikes Out On Own

Is Friday morning, and am woken by phone shrilling from landing. Is always alarming getting early morning (well, 8.50am) phone calls, but is only Dishy Young Joiner who is fitting our new front door. He wants to pop up and re-take measurements in 5 minutes. Two is still snortling peacefully with occasional 'harummphs' and 's-s-samovars', so I throw on jeans and sweater and await visitation. Must explain if have not already done so, (can't remember), but need new front door as matter of urgency before winter sets in. Old one has huge gaps down sides, is warped, and groans like castle door of Dracula when opened. Had imagined joiner would probably be Grizzled Old Artisan carrying bevy of ancient woodworking instruments, but was delighted to discover was in fact in modern parlance, extremely fit young bloke with roguish twinkle in eye! D.Y.J. duly arrives and re-takes measurements, then rips door surround off with apparent ease, to take more measurements. Puts frame back, and assures All is Under Control, and will have new and magnificent portal to cottage in matter of weeks. Is costing small fortune, but hey-ho, is necessary, as last winter Two put hideous sticky brown tape over cracks and gaps, which was not aesthetically pleasing.

Two is now downstairs, sniffing, and quaffing cup of tea. We are watching Heir Hunters on telly, which is quite entertaining. Two however appears to be glum. Glummer than usual. Perhaps because they haven't turned up a distant relation of his with large unclaimed inheritance? Morning drifts on, and then suddenly at midday, Two turns to me with beadily gleaming eyes, and announces 'He Has To Get Out or Will Go Mad'. Barely have I assimilated this alarming information, when he is climbing into his Crag-Hoppers, (to my certain knowledge, Two has never hopped a crag in his life, although I suspect a few hags have hopped on him, partial lifting of veil here), and is nearly out of the creaking front door. Hold fast, say I, so speedily has he leapt into action. Apparently he feels great urge to walk (or hop) down hill, catch bus, and visit local town. To buy bird-seed, and partake of small libation in Cirrhosis Central. Alone. Okay. We arrange I will drive in later and meet him at Supermarket. Hmm. Note to the uninitiated. Crag Hoppers are a form of shoe, much sought-after in the P

Is Summer-Time?

Well am back again after period of Much Soul Searching about Life. Am sad to report have reached no conclusions. Is Thursday, and is dull and drizzly. Expedition to Derby postponed because of adverse weather. Derby gloomy enough already. Have this morning received quote for new front door, and is as expected, over £800.00. Have decided however is necessary, so have decided to go ahead.

Forgot to mention in view of not blogging recently, that Trevor, my jiving partner at pub, came back for coffee a fortnight ago, sank rather a lot of whisky, and subsequently fell down (in own garden), and broke arm in two places. Is now in plaster for six weeks. Is insisting was not alcohol-induced fall, rather simple case of losing footing whilst venturing outside for fag at 3.30 am. According to landlady at pub, Trevor has history of falling down on journey home, and has hitherto been discovered lying helpless in hedges, or concussed from encounter with road signs. Have to confess did feel guilty when informed of his little accident, but must affirm did not pour whisky down throat, did this himself. However, he seems in remarkably good spirits, and is getting lot of sympathy and wisecracks from regulars in Malt Shovel.


Referring back to recent retail therapy in Chesterfield, have discovered new bra is a disaster. Is not Good Fit. In fact, is pathetic as has no pre-shaping, and just sort of hangs there. Sadly. Note to self: always ensure subsequent purchases have pre-formed cups. Have also reached conclusion that looking at self in mirror whilst trying on new underwear is bad for morale. Is not pretty sight.

Had alarming encounter with Enormous Spider yesterday as was sitting enjoying bowl of Cheerios. Suddenly saw out of corner of eye, large specimen crouching malevolently on fireplace. Abandoned Cheerios instantly, as felt very queasy, and lit fag prior to tackling it. Two was upstairs in shower, where he spends aeons doing God Knows What in way of personal grooming, so seized large tumbler, (which only just encompassed its hugely long and many legs), and despatched into yard. Still shuddering at memory.

Only lifted veil slightly

Is Thursday and Two (the schizoid one) is trying valiantly to upload another of my wee masterpieces onto Youtube. This may take some time.

Have been to doctors with Two's knowledge, to discuss possible cognitive therapy for whatever it is that ails him. Feel may not be sociopath, (slight over-reaction), but definitely has some personality disorder. Haven't we all? Anyway, apparently cognitive therapy in this county has a two year waiting list. Well honestly.

Have selected new front door, and am awaiting quote for making new frame, labour to fit it, etc. etc. Am expecting something in the region of £800.00. But is small price to pay for keeping winter gales, snow, and small mammals out. Have also decided to have cottage painted outside, which will also doubtless be very expensive. But window sills are flaking in most unattractive manner, and is going to resemble hovel soon if not addressed. Do not wish to be associated with living in Hovel.

Have had some retail therapy this week. Drove to Chesterfield, where purchases include, new bra (very pretty), two black jumpers (like black), little black dress (like black), white nightdress (like white), and pink and white striped blouse, (like pink and white). Was most discouraged last weekend when got self trapped in pink linen frock was trying to squeeze into for night at pub. Was like pink sausage skin, and had enormous struggle to liberate self from it. Is size 8, so suppose is par for course. Pity. Beautiful frock. Have also ordered two paperbacks online, as bookshops seem to have meagre selection these days. Note to self. Have left copy of book 'Cheri' at daughter's house in Berkshire. Must remember where it is, as love it.

Two hasn't spoken for some time now, but is twiddling his mouse. (if you see what I mean).

Lifting the veil with great apprehension

After lengthy absence, during which much has happened, I have come to an alarming conclusion about Two. He has all the hallmarks of a sociopath, which explains a lot. To say I am shocked is putting it mildly, but I am sure I am right. I do not wish to live my life with someone who has this major personality defect. But what to do? Feeling trapped again. Run down check list of sociopath, he ticks all boxes. Am left wondering how I ever failed to recognise this? He has very successfully tried to make me feel I am to blame for his 'habits'. Am signing off now as need to think.

Of Mice and Men

Yes, well Two actually. The Wily One has managed single-handedly to arrange major infestation of meece in outhouse. They have chewed the car seat of one of my grandchildren, and left droppings all over it. This means urine as well. Have discarded item, as googled diseases mice carry and nearly fainted. Two has been re-arranging outhouse (is full of materials for mice to build stately homes), and once again has left door open overnight to encourage neighbourhood moggies in. Will have to clear completely and then engage in open warfare against Our Furry Friends. Curse the day Two got into Feeding the Birds. Has Gone Right Over the Top. Am trying to stay philosophical, as he has removed source of food to ceiling area. Just hope meece don't come into house in search of nourishment, will freak me out.

Am off down South tomorrow to see daughters and grandchildren. Am also going to see my Mum, who is incredible for her age (94), but very up and down. Will be lovely to see her, and my sister.

Am horrified to discover have developed pads of fatty tissue around hips, which I am sure is mainly custard creams. Clothes do not fit too well, and bulge is not attractive. Bought some Control Underwear, but just pushes bulge up higher. Have decided to avoid sugary snacks during day in attempt to regain former svelte outline. Am reduced to wearing smock type garments.

Have uploaded new video onto Youtube, is called Pock Pock and is my version of the Wimbledon final. Glad to say the Rap has reached giddy heights of 148 hits!!! Had kind message from fellow subscriber who likes the videos, and says she is puzzled by lack of views I get. Me too.

Not this year then! Again.

So once again our Great Hope for Wimbledon has crashed out in the semi-finals. As soon as I saw David Beckham loom into view I felt a frisson of doom. He is not a Good Omen at sporting fixtures. Andy Murray lost in three sets. Nuff said.

Was looking out at my plant pots this morning, noting with pride signs of lush growth, when spotted small animal pecking at seeds on ground. Seeds that Two has allowed to remain on ground, in spite of Jim Next Door warning about rats. I peered at small creature, thought 'is not a bird- is, is----mouse'. Yes, mouse from under door of outhouse, making several forays to nibble at seeds etc. Feel sure outhouse has major infestation of rodents, and am Not Happy. Probably have eaten car-seats for grandchildren, hardly dare look. Actually am not going to look, as will have panic attack if rodents start appearing from every which way. Two is going to have to clear outhouse, and control feeding of birds, or I fear we shall be over-run with vermin. Has been warned, but of course Took Absolutely No Notice. Has now thought this over in shower, and came downstairs to try and place blame for mice infestation at my innocent feet. Apparently rubbish bin containing surplus compost which I had left under bird seed holder, (couldn't move the bloody thing- weighs a ton, my bad back etc. etc. ) was prime cause of mice problem. The fact they have been dining nightly on the vast quantities of bird seed, etc. he stores in outhouse, has no bearing on matter. Informed me with pride, he has noted mice activity and has now hung bird seed from ceiling in manner of food hung high to discourage bears. This, he said smugly, has worked. Too late alas. I am praying there are not any rats in outhouse, as looked up rat infestation and was confronted by photo of evil looking rat, teeth bared, eyes glinting, obviously taken just prior to leaping onto photographer and savaging him. If no action taken, will have to phone Environmental Health. Two is proposing leaving outhouse door open all night, in hope neighbours six cats will gain entrance and Sort Out Problem. I ask you.

Murray victorious

Hurrah! Settled down in some trepidation to watch Wee Scot, (well not wee exactly), play against French person whose name I cannot recall, or spell. After shaky start, losing first set, Murray caught fire and won splendidly! It is indeed unfortunate that his next encounter is with Raffa Nadel, so we must all send Positive Vibes to Wimbledon. Federer beaten in Shock Result. Has been a very interesting Wimbledon, with many Major Upsets. Love comment made by commentator on Federer match as camera homed in on Roger's wife Merke. 'Last year she was expecting twins, this year she's having kittens'. Sad to see him lose, he looked very upset. The ladies semi-final not so exciting, but the match between The Serene One and tall Check, (I know, I know), proved to be very enjoyable and quite tense. The Serene One was victorious as expected, and will doubtless sail onwards to claim the title again.

Weather has taken turn for worse after days of glorious sunshine, but need rain to water many potted shrubs in yard and save me doing it with extremely small watering can.

Have been looking at website for village where I lived for 40 years. Felt slight pang.

Am going Down South next week to see daughters and grandchildren (over from France). Back much better apart from occasional twinge when move too quickly. Two is 70 in August, (ye Gods and little fishes). Slippers with pom poms I think. And tartan rug. And clothes peg to pin on nose at night to stifle nocturnal vocalisations. Was making noise like impatient horse last night. And snortling.

Tennis etc. again...

Hurrah! Fly-Trap is out. The Serene One remains, but at least will not be an all Williams sisters final. Need someone else to have a bash at winning. Reminds me of triumphant reign of Mr Samprass, who whilst a genius, became a bit boring to watch, as never lost, just kept power serving ad nauseum. Plucky little Chinese lady did best against The Serene One, but wasn't up to it.

Back considerably improved today, drove gingerly down to doctors surgery to collect Two's Huge Bag of Medication for his myriad ailments. Shopped a little in local shops, as Not Quite Ready for longer drive. Do not want to tweak something and go back to square one.

Two's nocturnal vocalisations becoming ever more peculiar. Giant Snort, already in repertoire on regular basis. Strange words repeated over and over again becoming more prevalent. Latest is, 'samovar-samovar-samovar-', on and on and on in long-drawn out sibilent manner. Is samovar name of long lost lover I wonder? Unlikely, but you never know, as is said with some degree of yearning. Alternatively, is Two descended from Russian aristocracy, and calling for tea? Could be. He certainly swills enough of the stuff on daily basis.

Have heard from Son and Heir today, who is acquiring sat TV for his home near Geneva, which will enable him to watch the football and my daughter-in-law to watch talent shows, (with which I heartily concur). He didn't mention the W.C. (world cup), as probably too grief stricken to Bring This Up. I see our glorious team snuck back into the country via a back door at Heathrow Airport, looking suitably Glum. As well they might.

Have received (from friend in Berkshire) very peculiar little book based on true events in village where we live. These events happened just before and after World War 2, and are bizarre in the extreme. So is the book, is strange combination of
historical fact and Extremely Purple Prose in manner of Mills and Boon. Devoured it in one sitting, mostly with mouth open. Can honestly say have never read anything like it. Hope the author never reads this (unlikely), but I was reduced to much mirth, and even read some of the most deathless prose out loud to Two. Is a bit lost on him actually.

Tennis etc

Same day, update. Am watching the tennis. Fly-Trap and the Serene One both won their matches. Very dispiriting, thought Maria Sharapova was going to Cause Major Upset. Henin is out. Very dispiriting. Thought she could take on Fly-Trap or the Serene One and possibly Cause Major Upset. However, Murray is currently ahead against Sam Querry, so light at end of tunnel. Probably train coming other way. Very dispiriting.

Am Back

Yes, am back. Back being operative word. Two weeks or so ago, I woke up, yawned, stretched, and PING! My Back Had Gone Again. It has been doing this intermittently since I ruptured a disc some years ago while heaving large plant pot across kitchen. Has been very painful, and have Been Laid Low. Rest seems only way to cure, so have been resting, which has become very boring. Luckily was able to watch tennis and world-cup, both of which unfortunately induce tension. Ingerland were abysmal last night, shall ceremoniously destroy alice-band with england flags attached, and bought in moment of supreme optimism, (prior to Back Going Again). I imagine that Andy Murray felt frisson of terror as realisation dawned he is once again Our Only Hope. He is playing later today, so am anticipating further tension, but shall try to remain philosophical.

Two continues to Be Cause of Concern. Is possibly Up To Something, may have to start separate Blog to Lift Veil of Secrecy. On other hand, may have Nipped His Activities in the Bud, by dint of confronting him about various suspicious activites. So will maintain Veil of Secrecy for time being.

Eldest daughter coming over from Paris with grandsons soon, so will be going down South to stay for a week, and then we all return up here for further week. Hope back completely better by then, as have to play football, tennis, What's the time Mr Wolf etc. with grandsons. Need to be fairly nimble for all of the above.

Two has been making ever more alarming noises in sleep. Sudden volcanic snortlings are not best thing in world for me, trying to lie still in one comfortable position as I am. Had to get up at 5.30 am yesterday due to repeated loud exhalations of 'Slobberdobberwhoosh, slobberdobberwhoosh', which is new variant on nocturnal vocalisations.

The Archers through a bathroom, soapily

Bugger. Have just managed to lose Blog, have to begin again!

Is Sunday morning, and have just been listening to The Archers whilst lying in bath, courtesy of Next Door Neighbours. I have known for some time they are avid Radio 4 fans, but hadn't realised I can hear every word from our bathroom. Is quite good really. The Incredibly Lofty One next door has still not responded to my ancient invitation to Pop Round For A Drink. Given the accoustics in bathroom, praps we could have drinks in own bathrooms and do social chit-chat through wall. Might work.

Last night at pub was very very busy. Watched football on inside screen, as too crowded in garden. Entertainers arrived and had to wait for match to finish before setting up. Ghastly moment when goalkeeper dropped ball and USA scored, huge groan from everyone. Came home early as felt a little unwell. Am also having problem with Old Man with Two New Knees and Hip. Contributed to general queasiness. Cannot write about this at moment. Ugggh!!!

Elvis has not left the building

Yes- was Elvis at pub on Friday night. Evidenced by trailer parked outside with huge photographs advertising himself. Sadly, once again, not many people came to see him. Two and I sat waiting for the Bounding Into View of a black leather clad Elvis, (going on previous experience), with Two facing away from strobe lights in case triggered epileptic fit. (Never has). Thankfully. Suddenly glimpsed black head moving through bar area, thus debunking theory he climbed in through window. Frantic and extremely loud build-up reached ear-drum perforating crescendo, and Elvis sprang into view, black leather clad (as expected), and bursting into first medley, whilst pretending to play guitar. I must say, given the very sparse audience, (again more people outside pub than in), I have to admire the professional manner in which Mr Presley went through his sets. From black leather start to crimson jewel encrusted finish, he gave it his all. Attention to detail included dazzling ring for Las Vegas set. A few of us, (there were only a few of us), got up and danced. including vivacious lady on crutches, who I later discovered had contracted polio when a child. She invited Two to jive, and as he whirled round, caught him a glancing blow on the mouth with one of her crutches. Poor Two, but he took it well, as crutches made of light aluminium, so didn't take out front teeth. At end of evening, Elaine, (Barmaid of The Decade), me, and a couple of other ladies, got up and formed a chain to give Elvis a vote of thanks, by dint of swaying side to side and screeching back the chorus of 'The Wonder of You'. I think he liked it.

Home with ringing ears, and Two suffering slight deafness again. Is very loud must
admit.

Note to self. Do not drink one pint lager again. Spent all night getting up to pee.

The Birds

Is Friday morning, and has stopped raining. I think. Two is hovering by the window, occasionally brandishing a tea-towel frantically at the starlings, who arrive every day mob-handed. He doesn't mind feeding the birds, but feels that the starlings are Taking Advantage, and ousting other less vociferous species. He is endeavouring to create a starling proof fat-ball, because they are preventing the other birds from gaining a foothold. I suggest he puts up a notice 'Only One Starling At A Time', as shopkeeper do for schoolchildren who arrive in large numbers and cause trouble. Interspersed with wild flapping of tea-towel, Two is also banging on the window every time a pigeon appears. These are also causing problems, i.e. eating everything on the bird-table. A further project to pigeon-proof the bird-table has been occupying his mind for some time now. He has purchased large quantities of curtain-rail, screws, string etc. and is more or less permanently trying to devise cunning plan to prevent pigeons gaining access to bird-table. As pigeons are mostly those belonging to Farmer Next Door, I am very worried that one will break a leg, or get stuck in the Great Pigeon Proofing Device, and we shall( sorry- He will) have to explain to Farmer what has happened. I wash my hands of the whole affair.

Am thoroughly enjoying being on Wireless! All went swimmingly well, am now free to roam the house (and yard) with Flamingo Pink Lap-Top. Is liberating. Was so pleased and impressed with how easily transition went, as was pessimistic about Two's capabilities in this department. But- instructions from BT were fool-proof, and eureka!!!

World Cup Fever once again gripping nation, with possible exception of Two, who isn't really bothered, but will pretend to be when Eng-a-land play. Large screen being erected in pub garden for first Eng-a-land match on Saturday night. This guarantees rain of course. Tonight- Friday- is singer, who I cannot remember, although has apparently Been There Before. Am hopeful is Elvis as promised, but not sure. Will keep you posted.

Apparently Andy Murray Stormed Off Court at Queens in huff yesterday, after play suspended due to bad light. Shall tune in this afternoon to see if returns In Huff.

Il pleut.

Is Wednesday and has been raining on and off since, Sunday I think. Am watching tennis at Queens, Raffa is playing, but rain also threatening there.

Two is preoccupied with finding out the name of the track playing at beginning of Father and Son, new series on ITV. Is going through all his Johnny Cash CDs looking for it, in obsessive fashion. I have looked on Google and think I found it, but Two remains unconvinced. Will hear it again tonight, as series in 4 parts, and hopefully Two will be able to identify track. Hope so, or tomorrow will be another Johnny Cash Fest.

Have just eaten cornetto, which is delicious. Am still checking progress of my Rap on Youtube, and has reached 89 views! Am very pleased, but would still like to 'go viral' as they say. Am seriously considering writing anthem for England World Cup Squad, but cannot think of tune that isn't copyrighted. Need something catchy, and Greensleeves, (must be out of copyright as Henry V111 wrote it), doesn't quite fit the bill. Am stumped therefore. Have written out names of squad, maybe a list type song would work? If only can think of rhyme for Lampard, to name just one.

Is quite depressingly grey outside, and mood is quite glum. Think will have another cornetto.

Saturday Night, Sunday Morning

As previously mentioned, went to see The Big Bopper (resplendent again in ocelot jacket and matching shoes) at pub. Not many people there, which was a surprise, as Vicky Lambert was also performing, and she is a very good singer. There were in fact more people sitting outside than were in the bar, as was a very warm evening. However, undeterred the Big Bopper started his set to a largely empty pub, which must be quite dispiriting to say the least. I found myself sitting adjacent to an old gentleman with wild white hair, and incomprehensible speech. I gleaned after many, 'sorry I didn't quite catch that' remarks, that he had two new knees and a replacement hip, which explained the two sticks leaning against the wall. Every time he visited the loo, he would rock past, legs akimbo, in most unsteady fashion, leaving me wondering how on earth he managed once he reached his destination. Decided best not to dwell on this. Two began the evening with pint of lager, I think he intended to go for a personal best by exceeding the three pints he downed last Saturday. The Big Bopper Bopped on relentlessly to sparse applause, which had the effect of making me clap as hard as possible to create the illusion of More People. There were still more people outside than in, and a cuckoo was calling mockingly from the woods somewhere. Vicky was doing the second set, and she announced it might be an idea to sing outside as there were more people there .......etc.etc.

To my horror, Very Old Gentleman with Replacement Knees and Hip, suddenly leaned forward and asked if he could buy me and Two a drink. I demurred, but he was extremely insistent, and thrust a ten pound note at me. Two was outside having a fag, so when he returned he discovered his pint had been topped up, and I was nursing another white wine spritzer. A little later, Replacement Knees and Hip grabbed my hand and started kissing it fervently, to the obvious amusement of those at the bar. Not wishing to appear churlish, I put up with this for a moment or two, and then pulled my hand away. Two was completely unaware of all this, until eventually, after Replacement Knees and Hips Kept On Grabbing My Hand, someone pointed out that I needed rescuing. Two, who spends his life Not Noticing Anything, found it all very amusing, but did absolutely nothing to help me out. Eventually I was forced to retreat outside, where lightning was flashing ominously somewhere over Nottingham.

Thankfully, taxi arrived to whisk R.K.and H. away, and rest of evening passed off pleasantly. Vicky was in fine voice as always, and gradually a few more punters arrived. (The late Crew). Two sank about three and half pints, so achieved a P.B. but on return home ws curiously subdued, unlike last week when he was positively merry. Sank into coma like condition in chair, and seemed incapable of conversation.

Sunday morning, and Two was up early, said he had headache, but otherwise seemed okay. Went to supermarket, then came home and watched Nadal win French Open in blazing exhibition of clay-court genius.

Is Monday morning, and am typing this and waiting for arrival of Hub from BT, which means I am Going Wireless! Am not hopeful this will go smoothly, as Two seems a little unsure about how to set it all up. Watch this space.

Is Saturday again- hurrah!!!

Back again after minor lapse. Have been glued to the French Open, watching Federer crash out and Fly-Trap and Sister also out of singles. Am glad. Need New Blood in the ladies singles. Hope the Aussie wins this afternoon, make a pleasant change.

Last weekend at pub bit hazy in mind now, but remember Irish Folk Singer on Sunday night, because pub was crammed to rafters. He was very very good, and we were entertained until gone 1 am. Even Two enjoyed it, especially as the songs and jokes grew considerably more risque as evening wore on.

Tonight is The Big Bopper and singer Vicky Lambert, who is excellent. Am looking forward to this very much, as Good Value. Big Bopper will no doubt be sporting ocelot jacket even in these temperatures, ditto crepe soled shoes. Await with interest level of perspiration, as in keeping with name does Bop Biggly, and is not exactly svelte. Hope I get a chance to dance, as do enjoy leaping about. Is very good exercise also.

Car failed MOT this week due to faulty handbrake, and is now fixed, and bank account reduced by considerable amount. Two is itching again, and has this morning decided is Down To Milk. So no cereal for breakfast, (we have been here before), and the only plus side for me is that I can presumably eat the remainder of the Fresh Cream Cake I bought yesterday.

Somebody (my son I suspect) has posted a comment on my last blog, hinting that the content was a little parsimonious. In this I concur, but Have Had A Lot On My Mind. Am still watching Two Like a Hawk, as am positive Is Up To No Good. Last weekend he actually downed 3 pints of lager, unheard of ever since I have known him. He was majorly tiddly, and All Over The Place. Spent all last Sunday flat out on settee recovering. Seeing as the average drinker in the pub (men that is), are swilling about ten pints down each, Two is still something of a lightweight. Maybe he is making an attempt to Be One of The Boys. No. Surely Not. No no no. Is obviously hiding something. Will Keep Beady Eye on Him.

Son, daughter-in-law, youngest daughter and The Feckless One, plus aristocratic friend, are all off to The Highlands this weekend, to stay in cottage, fish, and generally do Outdoorsy Things. Hope weather is okay.

Am signing off now to check progress of Rap on Youtube. Is doing quite well, but cannot however bring self to watch it, as am too embarrassed.

i

Disquieting Discovery

Short but possibly highly pertinent news. Have had great weekend, pub was brilliant! This not the highly pertinent news. No, time may be approaching when Need To Lift Veil on Two and his past indiscretions. His mobile has bleeped with message which is extremely suspect. Am very worried, but keeping own counsel for moment.

Roland Garros and il pleut-

Is Thursday I think. I am typing this in for the second time, as accidentally pressed wrong button and lost it. Second time today, did same on e-mail from daughter-in-law near Geneva. Two has been itching again and scratching madly in the night. Can now add rasping noises to giant snortles. Is probably Grounds For Divorce.

It is alternatively cloudy and sunny today, but not as bad as Paris, where it has apparently been pleuring all day nearly. I know this because not only am I watching the French Open and eagerly awaiting return of Murray onto court, but have had phone call from eldest daughter who lives there, and could hear the rain lashing down.

Watched match yesterday between two women, a Russian and a German. This consisted mainly of Oom Pa, Ouf, Oom Pa. Ouf, as they hit the ball backwards and forwards. Find this disconcerting. I think the German girl was oom-pa, and the Russian was ouf. Ouf won by the way.

Forgot to mention in pub on Saturday night, when Howling Wolf shook my hand so fervently on my departure, he announced to the pub, 'You are a Lady, yes you are. And you know you are'. Little I could say to this, so I smiled in what I hoped was a gracious fashion, and moved in ladylike fashion towards door. Will be difficult to live up to I feel. Must practise behaving in decorous manner. May buy pair of white gloves, and brush up on received pronounciation.

Aha, il ne pleut pas en Paris. Tennis is back, Murray on next. Shall return to sofa and sit in ladylike fashion, ankles neatly crossed, little finger crooked, and wait for Wee Scot to emerge.

Au revoir.

Lost for Words (nearly)

For once I am quite literally struggling for adjectives. I refer to the karaoke on Saturday night at pub. Hardly anyone there, but I imagine those that turned up were frustrated singers. Well, not singers actually. Howlers and the tone deaf. Two was reduced to gibbering wreck, quite unable to control his merriment as we were subjected to two elderly gentlemen taking it in turns to murder various well-known songs. And I do mean murder. One gentleman who was imbibing large amounts of alcohol, was howling into the microphone, holding his notes (the wrong ones), for increasingly elongated periods of time, eyes closed, presumably in ecstacy. The other gentleman, who put his name down for a large number of songs, sang? very quietly and impressively flat. After each performance he nipped outside to sit on the bench with his pint, reappearing with alacrity each time his name was called out. It was all very very funny. Two actually said he thoroughly enjoyed himself, hadn't laughed so much for years. He had to go outside a couple of times because his shoulders were shaking so much, and tears were streaming down his face. I managed to behave with a bit more decorum, but Two kept popping into view in the window, convulsed with laughter, which set me off as well. Funny thing karaoke, bit like the X Factor in some ways. I mean, do these people really believe they can sing?

Eventually a party came in with More Experienced Karaoke Singers, two of whom gave us amazingly good performances. This did not however deter Howling Wolf and Impressively Flat, who continued to serenade us ad nauseum. Think will practise singing a bit, cannot possibly be any worse. Two said he might have a go, if he knew any songs. Hmmm. Anyway, good night out, but bit tired having been out Friday night as well.

Am running on to Sunday morning now, as noteworthy event occurred. Was sitting in living room with Two, riveted by the news of Fergie's latest indiscretion, when bird suddenly flew past me and landed on top of curtain rail. Was Great Tit! Back door was wide open as very hot day again, and in he flew. Two immediately took charge, being much in tune with Our Feathered Friends. Great Tit took off and flew into window with bang, then blundered back to curtain rail. I suggested with draw the curtains to avoid recurrence of this, and then Two insisted I leave the room as He Would Deal With It. He seemed to think the bird was one that had become particularly friendly. Tame almost. I was intrigued, had the Great Tit popped in for coffee and a chat with Two? To discuss the contents of the bird-table in detail? I disappeared upstairs to await developments. Surely Two's expertise would triumph. Nothing happened. I went back down to discover Two had laid a trail of peanuts towards the exits, namely the back and front doors. Great-Tit remained like statue, now on top of my precious Art Deco mirror. Apparently he had taken off again and landed on top of my polished table, where Two described him as Scrabbling For A Foothold. Horrified at possibility of scratches on polished surface, I stared at Great Tit, willing him to take off and fly back outside as soon as possible. After an age, the bird suddenly took flight and landed on top of the open front door. He hesitated here, (completely ignoring the trail of peanuts), and then to my relief, flew out and away. Two picked up the peanuts, (of which there were many). Came very close to calling Two a Great Tit, but restrained myself.

Phew what a scorcher

Is Saturday, is boiling hot, and am coated liberally in Factor 50 in order to sit in backyard. Am also sporting huge sun-hut and sundress purchased in Majorca two years ago. Is too hot for sit out for long, so have retreated to do blog.

Went to pub last night as Linda (landlady) said one of my favourite singers was on. Sadly not Elvis, but Shane Stevens, still very very good. Sings mostly songs I know, and Puts Everything Into It. Elaine, our hilarious barmaid (huge asset to pub) has returned from holiday in Turkey, and resumed her banter with Trevor. Trevor, you may recall is my jiving partner, and a real live-wire. He dances slowly with Elaine when she emerges from behind the bar, and then accuses her of trying to pick his pocket. Is very entertaining as always. Large group of females (mixed ages) are taking up entire corner of pub, celebrating somebodys birthday. The younger ones are getting very drunk and extremely loud. They eventually ended up dancing on the tables! Literally. Shows how old I am getting, my first thought was, 'how dangerous'. Gulp.

Suddenly Trevor held his hand out to me, inviting me to trip the light fantastic. Was a very fast rock'n'roll track, and although I was more steady on my feet, (flat shoes), I was severely out of breath when it finished. Feel we are establishing more of a rapport now, or as Trevor put it, 'I don't miss your hand so often when you twizzle round'.

Is karaoke tonight, mand Two is Not Keen. I shall endeavour to winkle him out of the house at around 9.30 nevertheless.

Forecast for tomorrow is Even Hotter, which is quite amazing for May. Luckily have vast quantities of factor 50 suncream lying about.

Two is hot on the trail

Is one-thirty in afternoon, and Two is now worrying he may in fact be allergic to dust-mites, or possibly, milk. Has downloaded huge article on allergies, and is as I speak, pouring over it. Am quite convinced will shortly announce is not wheat allergy after all, but dust-mites/milk. If dust-mites, does this mean will have to place Two in Bubble for rest of life, and roll him around everywhere? Is possible. If milk, are we now to be found in Soya Milk section of supermarket, or Goat Milk section? Or the vegan department? On balance, find Bubble more attractive proposition. Two probably best viewed through Bubble anyway. Am awaiting further possible allergies he is certain to find. Maybe allergic to me? Is this all building-up to something on the lines of, 'Have to move out, as proximity to me causing intense itching, and There Is Nothing Else For It'. As stated before, am always slightly suspicious of Two, for reasons over which I am still Drawing A Veil.

Does seem a bit extreme even for Two, but who knows? Watch this space.

Prancing about on Youtube and other stuff!

Got up early, and drew back curtains on SUNNY DAY!!! Worth a mention n'est pas? No rain for ages, so have to water backyard judiciously in evening. Takes forever as only have very small watering can. Cannot lift heavy one anyway, and have no outside tap.

Son and daughter-in-law have gone back to home near Geneva, and am missing them. Was great to have them here, wish visit could have been longer. Son had suggested I get dog to encourage walking, and probably has a point. Then I think of those winter mornings when the doorstep is a lump of ice, and shiver. Two says he will walk dog, but he seldom surfaces early, and anyway, suspect he will train animal to attack me on command. Particularly as he favours an alsation.

Now have Flamingo Pink Laptop, can put videos on movie-maker and upload to Youtube! Is great fun, although wince a bit when see self prancing about in black leggings to my rap. Now know what I look like when dancing in pub. Possibly why people encourage me to do so? Didn't go to pub last Saturday night, but will definitely go this weekend as is going to be hot, and hopefully lots of people will be there. Including my heroine Mrs Rosy Mateus. Slight problem with clothes in hot weather however, as do not wish to reveal ruched arms. Am going to do arm exercises with two tins baked beans, but am not too hopeful of dramatic improvement. Will just have to wear cardigan.

Have been forced to purchase new hoover, as old one worse than useless. Now have a Henry, which performed most excellently, didn't cut out, and picked up every particle of dirt. Am very impressed.

Two announced this morning he Was Itching Again in the night. This he supposes is due to his ahem, wheat allergy. I think he is neurotic. He has purchased a new mobile phone, a cheap one, (I checked), and has been trying to find suitable ring-tone. No-one ever rings him, so it all seems a tad pointless, but seems to make him happy.

Forget to record that one evening when son and daughter-in-law were here, daughter-in-law suddenly said, 'shush everyone, what was that? I thought I heard an owl'. We sat in silence, but heard nothing. Then Two breathed in, and emitted a low hoot from chest area. 'That's it', said daughter-in-law. Two inhaled again. Bit worrying to discover is doing owl impressions without realising it. Have to report, have since heard the genuine article whilst in bed. Really. Also can report heard cuckoo whilst at Ladybower Reservoir, and was suitably enchanted.

Bouncing Bombs etc.

Is quite early in morning, 7.49 to be precise, as indicated by Flamingo Pink Desk Top! Have just realised that Two, (who is snoring peacefully in bed), has turned off chimes on clock. This definite act of rebellion. Will Have Words when he surfaces.

Need to tell more about visit of son and daughter-in-law from near Geneva. I must say that their two dogs were extremely well behaved. No trouble at all, and this is very small cottage. One of them is quite old now, and spends a lot of time asleep, (bless), while the other, who resembles large black teddy bear, has boundless energy. We made another expedition, this time to the Ladybower Reservoir (of Dambusters fame), which isn't too far away. Took black teddy-bear, and left older doggie peacefully asleep in bedroom. It was a tad chilly, but the scenery around the reservoir very beautiful. Wandered around until eventually found footpath to see famous dam, which is actually on the Derwent Reservoir. Gazed in some awe at edifice, and tried to imagine enormous Lancaster bombers flying over it. Was used in Dambusters film as well as for practice runs for the actual raid back in 1942. Very impressive. Back home we elected to watch the film, (I'm a sucker for collecting war films), and sat misty eyed as Richard Todd as Guy Gibson, led the squadron into action. Were very impressed when shots of dam came up on screen, as Had Actually Been There earlier.

Have discovered to chagrin, that I have been extolling beauties of huge oak tree opposite cottage, only to be informed by son it is in fact a Sycamore. Son was bemused that I had got it so wrong. Was on point of obtaining name plate 'Oak Tree Cottage', which would have been a major faux pas. Cannot believe have failed to identify tree. I blame previous owner, who had net curtains decorated with oak leaves and acorns. Perhaps she too was Unable To Identify Trees. Thought I knew leaves of oak. Am mortified. Will buy book on trees and bone up on subject. In fact, son announced he hadn't seen a single oak tree since arriving in Derbyshire. Not one.

We paid visit to supermarket so they could stock up on Yorkshire Tea-Bags, Shampoo, and various items unobtainable (or wildly expensive) in France.

Daughter-in-law has set up my lap-top for me, (obviously, as am using it), and I am very impressed with speed at which it operates. Am on-line in wink of eye!

More later from Mrs New Dell in the Dales, Sycamore Cottage, Derbyshire.

A walk in the Woods

Yes I know I'm not Bill Bryson, but I can sort of empathsise with his experiences, walking the Appalachian Trail. (Have just realised style of blog much changed, no longer 'up early, drew back curtains, etc. etc. This probably due to fact, Now Have More To Say.)

Naturally I appreciate the woods in Derbyshire aren't anything like the wilderness our Bill encountered on his epic walk, but they are deep. Quite deep. A little bit deep. We set off one afternoon, son, daughter-in-law, youngest doggie, ( eldest doggie resting at home with Two), for a nice walk. Now my son can walk miles without apparently tiring. Ditto daughter-in-law. Not ditto me. Off down the High Peak Trail we went, and then moved sideways into uncharted territory, i.e. footpath in the woods. So far, so good. The woods were delightful, and I was pretty sure there would be no bears lurking hidden in the foliage, although I did spot a rabbit. My son was leaping energetically from rock to rock. My daughter-in-law was busy taking artistic photos through the leaves. I was keeping my eyes studiously on the ground, lest I stumble on twisted tree roots and fall tit over arse, occasioning visit to fracture clinic. We wandered what seemed to me quite a distance, and I kept thinking, 'but we have to cover this distance to get back to the car'. The further we travelled, the more I became aware of the return journey. Eventually I ventured to suggest we turn back. And we did. I did enjoy the walk enormously, just need perhaps to Build Up To Something Longer. Felt very virtuous though, and slept like proverbial log that night. As have observed before in these pages, Need To Get Fit. Oh yes.

My son observed that I am probably Fitter Than I Think. God, I certainly hope so. Is photo of me and son on walk, will post here if can figure out how to do this. Have many photos to post in fact, but not the know-how. However, feel can tackle anything on Flamingo Pink Lap Top. Will have to think up name for her. Hmmm.

More from Mrs New Dell in the Dales Diary

Wow! Still cannot believe have brand new flamingo pink lap-top of very own. Generous pressie from son and daughter-in-law near Geneva! Is amazing!

Have not blogged recently, but am back. Visit from son and daughter-in-law plus two pooches was great. We had a wonderful time, even though I went into Bed and Breakfast Mode every morning, flourishing teapot, milk jug, sugar bowl, toast rack and all. Was nice to sit at table en famille, instead of crouching in front of telly as Two and I tend to do. Where to start? Well, we went up to Heights of Abraham, (local attraction) and we went up on cable car. Of course, son and daughter-in-law seasoned cable car users living where they do, (Mont Blanc etc. etc.), and they were perfectly happy about going up. I was less than happy, but determined to Tweak the Nose of Terror and Do It. Never again! Perfectly safe I'm sure, but Oh My God. We lurched off, swinging side to side, and inched up the cable. Slowly. Then, horror of horrors we stopped. To Admire The View. I was now Truly Tweaking the Nose of Terror. Two and the others were gazing down into the gorge below with cried of admiration and amazement, while I took one look, gulped, and shut my eyes. For what seemed an eternity we dangled in space, while I became convinced the mechanism to winch us to the top had broken. Visions of climbing from one cable car to another in rescue attempt became more and more vivid. Or having to don a breeches buoy thingy and be lowered to the ground. Or a helicopter being brought in. Being on News at Ten. Headlines in papers. Rolling news on BBC News 24. '.....and now back to Derbyshire, where family of four are still trapped' etc etc. Suddenly a grinding noise started up, followed by a jolt, and we were creaking up to the top. Joy oh joy.

Sadly in need of stiff gin and tonic, discovered the only bar was shut, so settled for Strong Cup of Tea, as mouth very dry. We then decided to Go Down Into the Caves, and took a guided tour deep into the bowels of the earth into the old lead mine. Had absolutely no idea this was here. Honestly! First it's up, up, dangle, up, then it's down, down, stumble, down. Didn't mind the cave experience so much, rather interesting actually. Mind you, the 171 steps back to the surface proved a challenge, but glad to report I Made It. Son had few problems in low parts of cave as over six feet tall, but also emerged unscathed. Then spent some time nipping around the rocks with agility of very old mountain goat, in order to access best possible views. Beautiful indeed, but by now niggling fear of return journey in dangling glass bubble began to materiaise. I ventured to suggest that maybe I could walk down, but this suggestion elicited snorts of derision from Seasoned Cable Car Users. Even Two didn't seem to mind going on cable car, but then he doesn't have vertigo. Everything else in the medical dictionary, but not vertigo. Suppressing strong desire to whimper, I boarded the glass bubble again, and was horrified to note that the door wasn't shutting as we minced round ready for take-off. Visions of sliding out and landing splattered all over Derbyshire. It finally closed just before we were launched into space, but now a fresh set of fears re-surfaced. 'Maybe they won't stop for us to admire view' I quavered, as we jolted downwards. No sooner said, than done. We stopped. We dangled. I shut my eyes. I actually prayed. The others were commenting on various miniscule points of interest way way below. The cable car in front seemed perilously close. Suppose we slipped and bashed into them, causing domino effect and subsequent mad out of control descent accompanied by shrill screams and cries of woe? Still we dangled, swaying slightly. This is it, I thought. This time the engine thingy won't start. We Are Stuck. There has to be a first time. Plummeting to our doom was not the way I would have chosen to die. Messy. Suddenly, as before, the mechanism started up. Jolt, judder, and we were off down the cable. How strong was the bloody cable? Did frost and sub-zero temperatures weaken it? It had been an exceptionally cold winter. Would it in fact, snap? Judder, sway, jolt. I cautiously opened my eyes to discover, oh joy of joys, we were back at the beginning. Safe. Alive. I just about resisted the temptation to kiss lovely lovely terra firma in manner of Pope. Bit dramatic. Felt a bit silly in fact, as was fighting off Panic Attack whilst dangling.

Am quite exhausted after re-living this experience, so more later. Need to lie down in darkened room.

More later.

Mrs New in the DELL diary

Yeeha!!!

Am proud possessor of New Dell Laptop! Prezzie from son and daughter-in-law, from near Geneva. Yes her with the rechargeable cordless secateurs! Is wqonderful. I am free from ghastly desktop of jurassic period! Hooray.

More later.

Two is Losing The Plot

Back again, after weird few days. Went shopping with Two, who seemed to have much difficulty with Pay and Display Machine. He tried the first machine, and it appears he managed to extract a profit of £2.70 but no ticket from it. I was unaware of this as he gambolled past me on way to second machine to procure ticket. I must add that I saw another person successfully extract ticket from first machine where Two had failed. Two then came back into my line of vision, apparently on way to third ticket machine, having once again failed to extract ticket. (No profit this time). After what seemed an age, he hove into view once more, still ticketless. By this time I had obtained ticket with One Hour Remaining from kindly passing motorist. Was and still am flummoxed.

Have festooned back yard with many many solar lights, although sad to report am still waiting for Strawberry Fields Forever to deliver lights ordered some considerable time ago. Apparently are Having Trouble With Suppliers. Feel another negative feedback coming on if nothing materialises soon. After all, Have Paid.

Am waiting with considerable pleasurable anticipation for arrival of son and daughter-in-law tomorrow. Have set Two task of hoovering upstairs and cleaning bedroom window. Is better is occupied, otherwise tends to fall asleep. Weird occurrence number 2 relating to Two was this evening. I asked what he was having for supper, and he said, 'Chicken Pie, peas, and .............oh you know, those little round things'. He described circle in air. 'Um.....spuds.....garlic bread?' I replied, somewhat baffled. 'No no........oh God, what are they called, you know...,' and again he drew circles in the air. After a minute or two it transpired he was talking about Yorkshire Puddings. Hmmm. Is Two finally losing plot?

Must end now, as Two hoovering underneath me, and stool already unstable.

April Shower.

Is Bank Holiday Monday, (May), so Title May Seem Inappropriate, but had forgotten to record Tale Of Woe as predicted by Two. Yes The Wily One, running true to form, texted me when I was being Mr Wolf with alarming news that electric shower was broken. Absolutely Dead As A Dodo. Never do I receive positive news from Two, is always Doom Laden. Prospect of purchasing entire new shower unit as indicated by Two filled me with horror. So expensive. So much disruption. So much difficulty finding reliable tradesman. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Day after I arrived home, decided to Take Control of Shower Situation. Telephoned manufacturer of equipment and Very Nice Lady suggested take shower head off and see if water runs through hose. Two had disconnected electricity supply to shower in case of Death By Electrocution, so hastily switched back on and followed directions. Water ran through hose. Therefore, shower head blocked with mineral deposits of one kind and another. Swiftly I consulted Google and discovered soaking shower-head in common or garden household vinegar would prove highly effective. Two scoffed in manner of One Who Knows Better, but I insisted, and accordingly warmed up saucepan full of Sarsons Best. Smell was appalling, and Two hastily vacated kitchen clutching wad of tissue to nose. I ask you. This is the man who drenches himself in TCP, which has a very powerful odour, So bad I can taste it, and then claims he can't smell it.

Left shower head marinating for some time, re-attached it, and Voila!!! Shower Works. Am planning to repeat procedure with type of vinegar recommended, i.e. White Distilled instead of Brown for Chips variety. Am sure will prove even more effacacious, and result in Powerful Spouting.

Moral of this little tale. When Two says something is defunct, always Check Out Other Possibilities. I could go into the Tale of The Plunger, may indeed have done so in previous blog, but will restrain self.

More later.

Poetry in Motion

Excellent night out at pub. Bar-maid Elaine and Trevor's double-act reach new heights. After wrestling with ghastly Cleopatra style fringe, I manage to get ready and we set off to walk the 20 or so yards to the pub. Music is floating out, and we find the place is not exactly packed, but moderately full. Man with guitar is singing to backing tracks, but unfortunately is failing to engage the audience. Needs to play stuff we recognise, and does so intermittently, but like so many of these acts is prone to moments (nay- hours) of self-indulgence. He warbles some songs which even I, (as a dedicated fifties and sixties musicologist) have never heard before. Needs to get people singing along, but obviously can only do this if know the words. Eventually Elaine comes out from behind the bar and advances towards Trevor, who steps back in mock horror exclaiming, 'Poetry in Motion'. They proceed to slow dance together, with Elaine fluttering her eyelashes and gazing into Trevor's face in besotted fashion. Everyone is in stitches, and then Trevor, gazing back at Elaine, says, 'Your eyes are just like my ferrets', which produces a howl of laughter. They carry on in this fashion, and are very very funny. Sometimes I think they should be booked as a comedy cabaret, it all seems very spontaneous. He insults her, she responds in spades, and so it goes on. Honestly, you have to be there. Later on I had a jive with Trevor, which again was a little jerky, as I'm never sure which way he's sending me. Two is sitting yawning over his pint of Guiness, but is
laughing a lot at the banter in between yawns. Finally get home at around 1.30!

Must report on visit Down South to see eldest daughter, and grandsons. Took train from Derby as do not like driving on motorway. Was greeted with heart-warming enthusiasm by Gregory who is five and a half, and Louis, who is nearly three. The next day, took them to the local nursery school, and played tennis with Gregory, (well- bat and ball stuff), while Louis rampaged around the sand-pit. Haven't run around so much for years, and was obliged to eventually Call A Halt, as was in imminent danger of total collapse. Back at the house, the boys were insistent we should play running races in the garden, but I managed to persuade them that 'What's the Time Mr Wolf' would be more fun. I had an idea this would be less demanding on my feeble athletiscism, as I was certain to hold the post of Mr Wolf most of the time. Positioning myself at the top of the garden with my back to them, Gregory would call out 'What's the time Mr Wolf?' which Louis then echoed. I let them get really close, and then turned round with a mighty roar and chased them back down the garden. Of course this bit required some physical effort, but I never had a hope in hell of catching them, so gave up quite quickly. Later on, after requesting a Time-Out, I was sitting on the patio smoking a ciggie ( Iknow- I KNOW!!), and Louis approached me, transfixed by the smoke issuing from my nose and mouth. He stood spell-bound for a minute then said in a puzzled voice 'Why are you breathing fire Nana?' I immediately felt like Fire-Breathing Dragon, and was honestly stumped for an answer. Reflecting later, came to conclusion expression 'out of the mouths of babes and sucklings', remarkably sage observation. Sleeping arrangements at house somewhat difficult, so slept in same bed as grandsons. First night, slept in middle, but discovered Louis sleeps in totally abandoned fashion, flat on back with arms spread wide. Nudged ever nearer to the edge, Gregory fell out of bed twice, but manfully climbed back in without complaint. The next night I suggested I sleep on the outside, and spent the night hanging on for grim death to edge of bed. Although only short fall to floor, had feeling might Break Something if catapaulted out. Sometime in the night Gregory gave up the Fight For Space, and nobly re-positioned himself in sideways position, so managed to Get Through Night Unscathed. Mind you, having survived that, nearly broke neck at station on way home, as fell untidily over madly careering woman's suitcase whilst craning neck to read train departures board. Regret to report I screamed in dramatic fashion as felt self hurtling towards platform, which attracted quite a lot of attention. Mercifully fell onto Madly Careering Woman's suitcase, which was agreeably soft, so avoided Major Injury. Finally boarded train with Huge Sigh Of Relief, and proceeded homewards. Spent journey making promises to self to get fitter in order to be better Mr Wolf, and have more stamina for tennis, football, running games etc. etc. Fell asleep at prospect and came to as train reached Birmingham. Realised had probably been asleep with mouth open and Possibly Dribbling. Finally got home, tottered in, and early to bed, where I can report, Slept Like Log.

Have been remiss so quick blog before going out!

Had wonderful time with grandsons Down South. More of this in next blog. Have just spoken to son, who has arrived in UK, and is coming to see me next week. This is to say 'hello Robert and Heather', very much looking forward to seeing you! Am on the Custard Tart Trail already. Have spent today shifting furniture and plant pots. Two broke two of my solar lights. Am exceedingly miffed. EXCEEDINGLY. MIFFED. Burst into tears in fact. Must be my hormones, although not sure have any left. However Two redeemed himself by instantly (well almost), ordering replacements, so have put poker down. Off to pub later, hope more people there than last week.

Have bought John Frieda shampoo and conditioner as recommended by daughter-in-law. Am hopeful will emerge with mane of hair in manner of lion, instead of sparse dank locks am sporting at moment. Saw face in mirror near front door earlier (full unforgiving light), and can only say rejuvenating creams definitely not working.

So, am signing off now, short blog as am pressed for time. Hope you see this Robert, as do not wish to deprive you of pleasure of reading your Mother's Goings On.

More tomorrow. Au Revoir and Toodle Pip.

Telephone Switzerland and Pot-Up Plants

Is Monday April 26th and is birthday of son and heir, who lives near Geneva. At just gone 8 am, I telephone to wish him Happy Birthday. Stop short at singing down phone, as have no wish to embarrass in place of work. His, not mine obviously. Son says is exhausted after weekend dealing with detrius of Mass Clipping by Daughter-in-Law. (You will recall she has lost control of Rechargeable Cordless Secateurs). Says he is looking forward to trip to UK they are making soon. Are coming to visit me, (hence frantic attempts to transform yard into Acceptable For Dining Al Fresco Area). Am very much looking forward to visit, is not often I see them. Think we will have Great Fun.

Two is doing nothing as usual. I pot-up five shrubs, which is quite hard work, as need to keep bending and scooping up compost etc. etc. I can see Two's head through window. He is watching TV. Consider lobbing flower-pot at head, but not worth breaking window. Eventually have to ask for assistance, as cannot life pot onto base to create illusion of varying degrees of height. Two manages this, and then retires immediately back to armchair.

Forget to mention that yesterday posted feedback on firm Strawberry Fields, who still hadn't contacted me regarding broken solar lights. Almost five minutes after putting negative feedback on website, phone rings and is them, apologising and asking me to please delete feedback as Replacements in Post. Assure them will do so, (somewhat cravenly), and on arrival of new lights will post 'Strawberry Fields Forever' by way of reparation.

Daughter-in-Law near Geneva has e-mailed me with suggestions for Best Shampoo and Conditioner for hair. Says hairdresser is probably Failed John Frieda wannabe and venting spleen on me. Am sure she is right. Am frightened to look at back of hair in mirror in case none there.

Off down South tomorrow to see delicious grandsons.

Narnia takes a backwards step!

Ah me! Saturday morning and I am all a quiver for the post. I am expecting delivery of 4 solar lights to further enhance magical ambience in backyard. Suddenly they are here, but my excitement is cruelly crushed as they are all (4) revealed to be broken. I ring the suppliers (Strawberry Fields), and inform them of tragedy. Lady assures me Someone Will Call Me Back. Nobody does. Am disappointed, but is Saturday and is karaoke at pub tonight, which hopefully will go some way to revive spirits.Have appointment to get hair trimmed in afternoon, so set off to local hairdressers. Only me in salon, and the gentleman hairdresser asks if I would like hair washed or cut dry. I plump for washed, (saves me doing it later), and he proceeds to do so. He then informs me Quite A Lot Came Away in the washing process. I hardly dare ask how much Quite A Lot is. A hank? Most of it? Am horrified, as hadn't noticed great clumps falling out at home. Hair is fine, and possibly finer than when younger, but still, hardly Sparse. Hairdresser combs through my few remaining strands and then starts brandishing his scissors. 'How much off'? he enquires, picking up a dripping lock of hair. 'An inch'? I quaver, and he does a Sharpish Intake of Breath, much in manner of Two when I'm parking. I summon a degree of assertion, which I feel is needed. 'An inch' I reiterate firmly. He looks at me in the mirror and shrugs. It is cut to the required length, and blown dry. He keeps clutching at fronds of hair and waving them wildly about. Is new technique I suppose, maybe to encourage hair to Try A Bit Harder. Am happy with length, only quibble is fringe, which is decidedly Cleopatra-ish.

Pay up and drive home, to find Two attempting to concoct Shepherds Pie from TV chef's recipe. We have purchased the necessary Minced Lamb, garlic, tomato puree, flour, onions, etc etc etc. in faint hope will produce tastier than usual Shepherds Pie. Quite exciting really. Sadly, after all that effort, the final product was Nothing Special. And even more sadly, Two has made enough for tomorrow as well.

It is nine pm and I am Ready For Night Out At Pub again. Am wearing quite staid outfit this week, skirt and jumper, but have donned cream coloured high heels to make statement. Karaoke is all set up, with vast tomes on tables containing myriad selections of songs to choose from. Unfortunately only about 5 people in pub. Sadly, it is not a successful evening, the usual throng fail to materialise, and my hopes of dueting with Mrs Rosy Mateus are dashed. One bloke standing at the bar, (sorry, the only bloke standing at the bar), suddenly pricks up his ears as a Johnny Cash track booms out. (The karaoke-man is pluckily playing on, despite lack of takers). Man at Bar decides to give us a rendition of 'I walk the Line', (Johnny Cash). Regretfully He Cannot Sing, Keep Time, or apparently, Read. Is abysmal. He is truly awful. He is Beyond Flat. Way Beyond. For the first time in weeks, we leave early.

So, unexpected early night. Shame.

Garden Centre, custard tarts, how time flies

Today is I think, Thursday. Have been very busy. First of all Two and I drive down to the vilage so I can post my Mum's birthday present for delivery tomorrow. She is 94 tomorrow! Have bought her two jumpers, which I hope she likes.

Two trotted off to the cakeshop. Last time he did this, he Took a Tumble. (See previous blogs for gruesome details). Oh, forgot to mention, took Two's urine sample to doctors first. Urine clear as bell now. Anyway, Two returns to car bearing a great many paper-bags. Has obviously Gone Beserk in cake shop. I drive home up steep hill, (the shortest route), and Two is clutching door handle and doing his Sharp Intakes of Breath. I park, to Sad Shake of Head. 'I wasn't going to say anything' he volunteers, 'Because you get upset'. 'Not upset' I retort, 'Homicidal'. 'Precisely' he says. 'But....., we're going to need two new front tyres soon, the way you drive. And you always have your foot on the accelerator at junctions and traffic lights. Voom Voom', voom voom', he went. Again, temptation to seize bags of cakes and stuff them up his nose is extremely strong. I am speechless. The man is MAD.I stalk into the house in High Dudgeon and Extremely Indignant. Two starts chortling, he is going mad, I'm sure of it. Still think he is seeking opportunity to decline getting in car with me in order to pursue nefarious doings travelling by bus, over which I have persistently Drawn A Veil in this blog. We shall see. However, he is chortling because he has purchased two custard tarts, which he insists on photographing at various stages of ingestion and e-mailing to the custard tartless one near Geneva. This he achieves, by snatching the tart from my mouth to take its picture as it disappears. My daughter-in-law is now in state of extreme despair, as she is yearning for said confection, and not coming to UK for at least two weeks. What sort of a mind would want to inflict such pain on another human being I ask myself. Answer, Two's mind.

After all this juvenile activity, we set off for Garden Centre, where from a very poor selection I purchase two shrubs, a wigwammy thing for ivy to grow up, a paving slab and six air bricks. Back in the yard, Two huffs and puffs and finally heaves my biggest evergreen plant onto slab of concrete, which is standing on the bricks. Now have illusion of different level in yard. At one point during the huff and puff episode, he glares at me and suggests I help lift the plant up. See, he is trying to put me out of action, as knows I have back that is liable to pop, which will, if does pop, render me bedridden for week or two. I refuse to help. Two is purple with exertion, but plant is finally in place. Very nice it looks too Two. I arrange other shrubs around in pleasing manner, sweep yard, place solar powered lights in position, put new plants into pots with new compost, and finally collapse onto bench to admire handiwork. Is looking much better, almost like a garden. Have to confess have been on Amazon and ordered more solar powered lights, am gripped with compulsion to create magical effect.

Have to report that artifical tree has been moved back indoors, as looks odd in yard. Think it is maybe indoor plant anyway. Was being bullied by the real plants in yard as well, so Best Thing For It.

Am very tired now after exertions. Two has done very little as usual, but is tired also. Am going to watch Prime Ministers Debate and then probably go to bed. Need to find more shrubs tomorrow, need to find new garden centre. Will take photo of yard when finished and post it on here.

Erruption of Vulcanologists continues.......

Yes indeed. Still they are winkling out vulcanologists from various seats of learning to inform, update, and comment on the situation. Is good time to be vulcanologist I feel. Most of the time they must sit in splendid isolation, studying and perfecting their craft, until suddenly they are queuing up to appear on telly.

Anyway, today is Tuesday 20th April I think. Two has finally resolved his on-going bowel problem, and is looking mightily relieved. Positively perky. I hope this is the end of matters pertaining to his waste disposal unit. Glad he did not spontaneously combust, but having discovered Movicol works by osmosis, imagine he would have merely dissolved. Urine infection is also surely On Way Out, as antibiotics are working by now I hope.

Today I have been deciding what is best to do about my backyard. Is decidedly drab, and Not Much Scope For Improvement. In moment of utter recklessness I have ordered an Artifical Tree to help things along. It is due to be delivered tomorrow, and I am quite excited. Also bought some more solar lamps to create magical effect in amongst foliage. Am hoping for Narnia type transformation. Think also garden mirror will enhance, and am hoping to order one shortly. In garden ornament section on Amazon, found surprising amount of Mere Cats. Also gnomes appear to be de rigeur again. Quite fancy Water Feature, but sounds complicated, and room is an issue. Maybe just create lush plastic evergreen oasis, with full compliment of Mere Cats and gnomes.

Is nearly supper time, Two is having kippers. (No comment). I am having Chilli-con-Carne courtesy of Sainsburys.

Daughter-in-law near Geneva has developed acute gardening bug, and I blame her for infecting me. She is beavering away with her cordless rechargeable secateurs, and when they become inoperable, hurls them to one side and carries on with the mechanical ones. This is true dedication. I think I have misled her about state of my back yard, and as she and my son are visiting us in May, I now have to create an approximation of the luxuriant foliage and twinkling lights she envisages. (Following my exaggerated description). A challenge, but I shall try to rise to the occasion.

Any ideas on transforming small yard into said paradise, gratefully received.

Toodle pip.

A Lava of Volcanologists!!!

So what is the collective noun for Volcanologists? Or the spelling I prefer because it has connotations of something Other Worldly, Vulcanologists. Never have so many of these experts in volcanos' been on the telly before. Spouting forth, in manner reminiscent of their expertise, on the current Icelandic erruption. Every bulletin brings forth another of these folk. From all Universities and Seats of Learning, they are sliding like molten lava into our lives. I never knew there was so many!

Is Sunday, and last night at pub was well up to expectations with very very good female singer called Vicki. Has voice much better than most of the candidates on X Factor etc. Pub spellbound at her rendition of Wild Horses. For some strange reason we all sang 'We'll Meet Again' at one point. Felt a bit as though something cataclysmic was about to occur. Still, spirit of Dunkirk and all that.

After an hour of umming and aahing I finally decided could Just Get Away with wearing black leggings. I have castigated women of a certain age for wearing these, possibly in a previous blog. However, after surfing the net for reassurance from various fashion pundits, I summoned up my courage and donned them. Of course I wasn't alone. Mrs Rosy Mateus was also wearing leggings, and she as you know, is my heroine. Also she jives very well. Pub again packed to capacity. Hurrah! Two sat sadly with bandaged face and oozing wound on chin, mustering Sad But Brave Smile every now and then. People enquired as to how these injuries had occurred, and of course he said I attacked him with poker. Home 1 am, with first signs of back strain. Should never have done the Twist.

Two Takes A Tumble

I am up early, the sun is shining, the birds are singing their tiny feathered heads off, and all bodes well. Daughter in France phones to say their car is now mended, and they will be in the UK next week. I say I will try to get down South to see them all, but have reservations about the state of Two's health. Still Has Not Been. May have to go back to see doctor on Monday for Depth Charge. But I go online to get new Senior Railcard, which will be very useful if go down by train.

Two comes downstairs, and suddenly for no good reason, becomes quite aggressive. Says he sees no reason why he cannot drive, (ahem- I beg to differ -partial seizures!) Gets very agitated, and says has headache. I say if can't be reasonable, will not talk to him, and he apologises. He then goes on-line and also orders Senior Railcard.
I say we need to go out for a few things, and off we go. Only down to the village, so not far. We buy our groceries, go to bun-shop for scones and cream cakes, and then start to make our way back to car. Two suddenly decides would be fun idea to buy custard tarts and take photograph of same to e-mail to daughter-in-law near Geneva, who is having a custard tart crisis. Cannot remember if blogged about this, but I mentioned said custard tarts in e-mail to her, and she suddenly developed great yearning for one. (Sprinkled with Nutmeg of course). Sadly such a thing is not to be found where she lives, so she is sadly forever custard tartless.

Two toddles off back to bun shop whilst I loiter in the warm sunshine. Suddenly strange woman appears saying, 'Excuse me duck, your husband has fallen over'. I stare at her blankly, and then follow her, to discover Two sitting morosely on seat, with Another Woman agitating round him. Has Fallen Over. Has sustained nasty gash to chin, another next to eye, bump on face and superficial cuts to hands. Says he was fishing in pockets for change, and next thing pavement was coming up at him. Is a bit shocked, (as indeed am I- further evidence of Doddering), and the two kind ladies proffer advice and kindly concern. I take Two home, and phone Out Of Hours Service, as is still shaky on legs, has gravel in cuts, and May Need Medical Attention. Am told to take him to Minor Injuries Unit about 5 miles away. Two very quiet in car and doesn't criticise driving as cannot see further than 10 yards due to glasses being bent in fall, and now unwearable. Nurse Practitioner Person very efficient and Two now sports steri-strips, pad over skin near eye to stop wound opening up, and oozing chin wound. BP and temperature are taken as matter of course, and reveal nothing untoward. Drive home. Two seems okay, has cup of tea, and settles down to study the horses. Youngest daughter phones, and I tell her what has occurred. She is of the opinion his Urine Infection may be partly to blame, as can disorientate people.

If we go to pub tonight as planned, Two will be subject of much discussion. Hope they don't think I attacked him with poker. Am quite exhausted by all this unexpected drama, and to think I was going to definitely clear out my pots in back yard ready for summer bedding.

Am going downstairs for Nice Cup of Tea now.

I have to say .....................

Grrr. And Double Grrrrrr!!!!! How many times a day do I hear people preface their remarks with 'I have to say'....... please, please, stop saying it! You ARE GOING TO SAY IT ANYWAY!!!

Having said that, I have to say that today is freezing again, the Ash Cloud is apparently still hovering malevolently in British Air Space, and Two has still failed to Open His Bowels. So far, so same as bloody usual. Sorry about the swearing, but I am, as you can tell, a little wound up. Two keeps walking past me quickly, causing a horrendous draft, and has just asked if is okay to wash his blackwatch tartan jim jams, because 'he has had a urine infection and has been wearing them for some time'. So glad I didn't have to turn them inside out.

Watched the Three Leaders Debate last night, and like the majority of people,(as I am given to understand by the pundits),fell for Nick Clegg. We shall see.

This morning spent harrowing half-hour on computer (yes, this one), trying to send my son's birthday presents via his Wish List on Amazon. Screen kept freezing, then logging me out, etc. etc. and I Have To Say it was very gruelling. Finally I succeeded. My son has already said I need a new computer, and I Have To Say, I think he is right.

For the moment then, this is all I Have To Say.

Two has More Trouble with Waste Disposal

Good grief. Is Thursday ( I think). Took Two to doctors, armed with bottle very very cloudy urine. Apparently passing water (well, not water exactly,) is painful now. Has also observed blood in urine. Doctor apparently dipped litmus paper in sample and recoiled in horror. Is full of everything imaginable! Now has anti-biotics and also Semtex for constipation in form of Movicol. He is told that if this fails to work, he must return as matter of urgency! Am now imagining Two is in danger of Spontaneous Combustion.

Mission Control near Geneva (daughter-in-law), has now received Ghastly Photographs of Two demonstrating The Horror Of Haemorrhoids, from which she is trying to recover. Is okay, they are not pictures of Actual Haemorrhoids for God's sake! Even so, Two, clad in blackwatch tartan jim-jams, with expression of excrutiating pain on face, is quite, well, Ghastly. Personally, I can't wait to see the video. We have decided (daughter-in-law and me) that we have to make some sacrifices for Art. But there is a limit.

Two has just downed his first dose of Movicol, so I intend to remain downwind for rest of day. Have hideous visions of pebble-dashed bathroom, but Must Not Dwell on this. Have placed Air Freshener conveniently and prominently near loo in case of Unexpected Explosion. Is like living on edge of volcano. Talking of which, much on news this morning pertaining to The Great Ash Cloud that is wafting over the UK from Iceland, and causing major disruption to airlines. Am reminded of scene in War of The Worlds where strange cloud formation heralds arrival of Hostile Aliens. Must get grip on over-active imagination.

Will be blogging later, imagine there may be a News Update.

More bad news from coal face

Here I am again, same day. Little frazzled. Two confided to me in car on way home from Supermarket (yes-again), that he is still suffering from constipation. I told him I was under the impression all was well in that department, but he said unfortunately not. Must have misconstrued what he said. On return home Two phones doctor and makes appointment to discuss recalcitrant bowels. From sound of it, Semtex might be best option.

We spend a jolly (well fairly jolly) hour taking photographs to promote next excursion onto Youtube. As the song in question is called 'The Haemorrhoid Blues', I will leave the rest to your imaginations. Suffice to say I feel a little queasy. I e-mail the photos to Mission Control near Geneva, where daughter-in-law is busy clipping hedges with cordless rechargeable secateurs. She is multi-talented n'est pas?

It takes an hour to send all the photos, after which I partake of cup of tea and clotted cream scone,as am in need of Little Treat. Is now approaching 5.15pm and the bar downstairs is open, so next Little Treat will be Glass of White Wine.

Note to self. On way to doctors surgery tomorrow, must remember to watch out for simian husband of lady on bus. Feel sure he will be swinging through branches somewhere, lopping away merrily and totally disregarding Health and Safety. Feel I know him already.

Next note to self. Remember to get hair cut. Do something about the grey bits. Get arms ready for summer, if possible. Toodle pip.

Save life of Two in Heroic Fashion

Is freezing this morning. April is going backwards, the daffodils opposite cottage have heads bent before icy blast. Is Wednesday 14th April.

Two comes downstairs in usual bleary mode, and disappears into kitchen to make comforting pile of toast. (For himself). He re-appears with plate of same, festooned with much juicy marmalade. 'You ought to try this marmalade' he says, through mouthful of same, spraying out crumbs in unattractive manner. 'This marmalade', he continues, is Three Fruit Marmalade!' He pauses for effect. 'Really', I say. 'And which three fruits actually comprise this delicious marmalade?' 'I don't know actually' he sprays. 'It wouldn't by any chance include Grapefruit'? I ask. Two looks as me askance, and hastily repairs to kitchen to examine the jar. Of course it does include grapefruit, which is forbidden. It is mentioned on the list of contra-indications for one of his myriad medications. He has Avoided Grapefruit Like The Plague since reading this, and is now spluttering with horror. The offending toast and possibly lethal marmalade is consigned to the bin. So far he has suffered no ill-effects, but I feel suitably smug, as have possibly Saved His Life. In fact, play upon this for some considerable time. Feel possible 'Wife of the Year Award' may not be out of question. Am Angel Of Mercy. Will continue this Blog later, as am off to Bask In Glory.

The Fat Owl of The Fifth Remove

I know, sounds like a coded message doesn't it. Is in fact Billy Bunter, as other IMPs (OAPs) will know. Heard it on Egg Heads tonight, which is still one of my favourite programmes. Is Tuesday April 13th, and is cold, very cold indeed.

Back to The Fat Owl of the Remove, (or is it the fifth remove, must check on Google). How very un PC it sounds these days, yet was perfectly acceptable once. Billy Bunter, profoundly rotund and always sleepy. At Greyfriars School. Wasn't there a master called Mr Quelch or am I making things up?

Heard most interesting and lengthy conversation on bus yesterday. (I do occasionally take the bus as is free). Four local ladies, about whose lives and the lives of their husbands, I could now write a book. Well almost. One lady has a husband who is afflicted with Very Cold Feet, which she attributes to statins. Seems the poor soul has feet like blocks of ice, and she Is Not Sure These Pills Are Doing Him Any Good. Another lady has a husband who is most definitely A Man's Man, and spends most days swinging from the branches of trees, lopping off overhanging ones with great gusto. He is a stranger to Health and Safety, and Has Always Been The Same. He is also apparently Very Popular and Will Talk To Anyone. They are going on holiday to Switzerland this year, and then touring. Last year they visited The Austrian Tyrol. She had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, because It Is All She Could Manage, and then Threw Any Old Clothes On before catching the bus. Glancing sideways I would beg to differ. She is wearing a Cream Two Piece, Teamed with Matching Accessories. Hardly
thrown together I would think. Another lady, who I fancy works as either a cook or cleaner at one of the pubs en route, appeared this morning in slightly smarter outfit than her usual drab attire. I surmised she wasn't going to work, and was proved right, as she stayed on bus as it sailed past said pub. Have decided you can learn an awful lot on bus journeys. Was a bit worried about driver though, as he spent much of journey fiddling with the money in his ticket machine thingy, and only had one hand on the wheel. Was imagining headlines in paper 'Bus Plunges Onto Railway Line', or Bus Somersaults - ten fatalities', or worse still, 'Bus swerves off road into field, passengers soaked in silage'. They are muck-spreading at the moment, and the smell is awesome. No I mean, awesome. Would not care to end up nose down in that lot.

Daughter-in-Law at Mission Control near Geneva, is planning new video. May have mentioned this before, but is now necessary for me to learn to dance in manner of Cheryl Cole/Tweedy. Will be challenge. Am limbering up gently in preparation, mindful of possibility Back Will Go Again. Back has been problem since lifting huge plant pot some years ago. Lifting incorrectly. Sprang backwards in manner of startled frog as loud BANG ( I kid you not) emitted from lower back. Transpired had ruptured something, a disc I think. Was blooming agony for ages, so am quite careful now when lifting. Bend knees etc. Or don't lift at all.

Heard from youngest daughter, is back from holiday with The Thoughtful One. They loved Sri Lanka, and Would Go Again. All seems well with them again, which is Good News.

Have noticed The Wily One (aka Two), keeps dropping things. Is this a symptom of something? Crashes and bangs follow him around the house, some very alarming. He knocked down a huge pile of books onto the computer desk, and the Mouse had completely disappeared when I came to log on. Was on floor behind computer, and took some winkling out. Did I mention he also knocked over entire bottle of his beloved TCP? Bathroom stinks of it. On thinking about it, is probably due to onset of Dodderiness. Is currently watching one of favourite films 'The Bourne Identity', having spent day doing Absolutely Nothing. Mind you, neither have I. Keep looking at weed infested garden pots, and feeling guilty have no summer bedding installed. Went mad year before last, but have lost momentum. Back yard looks very glum indeed. Even looks glum when festooned with summer bedding to be honest. Two spotted Bullfinch today and called me to kitchen window to observe. Was quite excited. He is still putting out enormous amount of food for Our Feathered Friends, and is, as I have stated before, spending quite a lot of our disposable income thereon. Bullfinch is remarkable, has huge pouting bosom, is rotund in manner of Owl of Fifth Remove. There, have accidentally linked end of blog with beginning in classic literary style!

PS Referring back to Manhole Mary in previous blog, forgot to mention how very draining her work must have been.