Two is Losing The Plot

Two is still glum, although slightly less so, but is now exhibiting signs of mild aggression. Still has post-nasal drip, still coughing. When he finally emerged from pink cocoon yesterday morning, announced he was going to be pissed off at sight of me cleaning living room, and started waving arms about in agitated fashion and haranguing me in shrill tones. What, he demanded, are you planning to do with my stuff? Eyes popping with indignation he indicated the piles of paper and assorted crap adorning mellow gate-legged table. Well pardon me for wanting to polish and clean. Muttering darkly he then proceeded to gather everything up and move it onto the sofa. Lovely. I am going out he informed me, and shan't be back for some time. Very Captain Oatsey.

During prolonged (and most welcome) absence of Two, finally managed to achieve degree of tidiness and cleanliness hitherto unseen in small dusty cottage. Broke two nails in process, but feel worthwhile sacrifice. Two finally hove back into sight mid-afternoon, sporting two carrier bags of M & S food, and in better frame of mind. Proceeded to tell me he had parked car, went to lock it, discovered keys were not in pocket but still in ignition with engine still running. Am wondering if Safe To Be Let Out Alone. Probably not, but alternative too ghastly to contemplate. Cannot become Keeper of Two. Is obviously going mad. Today need to address tidying back yard. Am preparing self for new episode of arm-waving, eye-popping behaviour. Can't wait.

Vast cache found

Brief update on previous blog. Forgot to mention found large quantity of Movicol laxative in carrier bag underneath cocktail cabinet. Am wondering if this constitutes more than legally permitted for personal use. Is in fact Two dealing in Movicol? Are the chronically constipated beating a path to our door and slipping him a Monkey for their fix? Or should that be Unfix? Am at loss to know what to do with mountain of contraband laxative. Two is still asleep and I am being considerate in not firing up the hoover. Am getting frustrated, but at least is quiet. Think will flush Movicol down loo, an appropriate shortcut to disposing of it. Am bit worried though in case Gets Into Water Supply and we have an epidemic of diarrhoea in Derbyshire.

Two still dripping

Two is still suffering from sinusitis. Is exceedingly glum, has chronic cough and has now Lost Appetite. Must admit feel bit sorry as he goes into Yet Another Paroxysm, culminating in revolting retch in manner of hyena being garotted. Not sure how much more I can take. Is quiet at moment as is 7 am and is still in land of Nod beneath shocking pink duvet. Hope antibiotics start to kick in soon for both our sakes.

Have decided to swoop on living room as is starting to look alarmingly like interior of Acorn Antiques. Managed to rouse Two from sinus stupor in order to remove hideous shelves from alcove, after which he collapsed in heap over bowl of Minestrone soup, most of which he left. Keeps falling asleep sitting up, mouth open, and breathing registering somewhere very high on the Beaufort Scale. Is most alarming. Have to turn volume up on telly. But I digress. Have heaved mock Welsh Dresser into shelfless alcove, where it looks rather good. Now have to wait until Two Springs To Life, before can continue re-arranging room. Emptying cocktail cabinet is major job, let alone shoving it round the limited space available in attempt to find Somewhere To Put It. Has been sitting at natty angle in alcove under wall-clock for quite some time, looking ill at ease and somewhat over burdened with bric a brac, bottles, photographs etc.etc. Have also at some point to don heavy duty gloves and face mask to tackle backyard, which Two has converted into bird santuary come rubbish tip. Ditto living room, except for bird sanctuary bit. Dining room table, (mellow gate-leg) is invisible beneath detritus relating to Two's other obsession, the horses. Unbelievable mounds of paper are concealing beautiful polished surface of mellow gate-leg, along with assorted purchases via Amazon concerning Poker and Blackjack. This house is too small. His hobbies are too messy. But I will not be defeated, although I envisage Trouble Ahead, especially when I swoop on gate-leg and yard.

Post Nasal Drip

Have just come downstairs at 6 am and discovered Two sitting propped up on sofa looking extremely glum. Actually could hardly see him at first, as had not drawn curtains and was sitting glumly in gloom. Has chronic cough, apparently not chest infection as diagnosed by self, but sinusitis as diagnosed by medical professional, i.e. doctor. Is now on anti-biotics, which I pray fervently will Soon Take Effect. Cough cough cough. Spit, spit spit. Is Horrible. Has something vile called Post Nasal Drip. Made him cup of tea in spirit of Florence Nightingale. Cough cough. Cough cough. Then, in plaintive voice, 'Does it stink of stale cigarette smoke in here'? Well probably yes, as refuses to Open Windows unless temperature in high seventies. Will attempt to Freshen Up room before visit of son and daughter in law. Ditto Two.

Snipped.

Is Friday and have just returned from local hairdresser, not 'cum to basin duck' this time. Have had drastic Trim, as hair was Getting Out of Control. Yes, even with Very Large Indeed Rollers and copious quantities of setting-lotion, laughing Cavalier look was failing to Hold Position. Jovial male hairdresser, (I have been before), has snipped me a trifle shorter than I wanted. Deja vu. Now have to attempt inserting Very Large Indeed Rollers into much less hair. Having discussed how Very Fine my hair is, was persuaded to purchase Inter-Continental-Ballistic Missile Size can of Very Very Firm Hold Mousse. Should be interesting, but at least will be spared setting-lotion trickling down back. Think combination of V.L.I.Rollers and V.V.F.H. Mousse will raise hair above level of jowels, probably to somewhere in region of eyebrows. Will report back, if can see through tears. Think will try wig again. Did I mention wig? Bought at local market, is shiny, straight, and makes me look about fourteen in downstairs mirror, (dim lighting) and like Someone Who Shouldn't Be Allowed Out On Own in upstairs mirror. Have not confidence to actually Wear It Out, alone or otherwise.

Two is still coughing in alarming fashion, and preventing me from hearing vital news items, etc.etc. Will he ever Go Out? Is like permanent bloody fixture on sofa, or dining room chair.

Two is gently steaming

Two has nasty cough. This morning I suggested might be due to chest infection, whereupon he bounded with alacrity to phone doctor. No appointments being available, they said doctor would phone back, which admirably, he did. Two was quizzed on State on Health, and was told to put head over bowl steaming water and inhale. Was told to sleep propped up. and contact surgery if symptoms worsened. Since then, he has indeed boiled kettle and with tea-towel (well honestly), draped over head, hovered over bowl of steaming water. Following this he returned to living room, sat down and lit fag. No antibiotics for 71 year olds it seems. Steam is the answer. Is free.

Am itching to 'change room round', but Two is sitting as ever implacably in front of laptop, and is nowhere else I can send him. Sorry about italics, is occupational hazard. Has created horrible mess on dining-table, horrible mess upstairs, and truly horrible mess in yard, which is knee-deep in bird seed, pigeon shit, and various bits of do-it-yourself equipment. Two is quite frankly, pain in arse. Does absolutely nothing except make mess. Also dropped my pudding (lemon meringue pie) onto floor last night, and put my Nutella in fridge, rendering same unspreadable as is hard as rock. Harder probably. Is very irritating. Feel claustrophobic. Only escape is bedroom, which is my territory as Two sleeps on landing, currently cocooned beneath violent pink duvet. Wonder if could be persuaded to relocate to outhouse with furry friends, imported by Two's obsessive purchasing of bird seed. Am feeling trapped in own house. Is not nice.

Glued to TV

Was positively transfixed by yesterdays interrogation of The Murdock Two. Cannot say I understood all the ramifications, but was compelling TV. Kept shouting 'wheel out The Minx' as was eagerly awaiting appearance of Rebecca (Rebekah?) Brooks. When Minx finally hove into view following the shaving cream incident, thought I detected certain Toning Down of Red Fright Wig, thought she was cool, calm, and very self-assured. Still don't know what to make of it all.

Trouble at Mill

Is amazing. There is uneasy feeling in pub, due to disgruntled customers and presence behind bar of personable newcomer, who has swept all before him. Something of an enigma, he has earned the soubriquet 'Goldenballs', as appears can do no wrong. Is living in, and has already taken to composing quite vicious little poems about the regulars, which he recites readily on request. Admittedly not all are character assassinations, but there is something a little spiteful in most of them. We are subjected to tales of his various conquests in the surrounding area, and that his ex, whom he describes as drop dead gorgeous, but quite insane, is stalking him. Without wishing to appear paranoid, I get the strong feeling he is hell bent on Stirring Up Trouble. Time will tell.

Reason some customers, notably the Late Crew are upset, is due to fact the pub was closed without prior notification one evening, and they rolled up to find door locked. Seems there are too many decisions taken by the various people in charge without consulting each other. Is microcosm of life in small rural society. All very strange.

Hair Report

Just to confirm that experiment with setting lotion in conjunction with Very Large Indeed Rollers has proved successful. To a point. Have sticky hair. Am now sticky version of Laughing Cavalier.

Two loses control of wardrobe

Two has been shopping for sports orientated garment to wear to gym. Explained at some length needed top to wear that would be (a) easily foldable for storage in locker, (b) festooned with many pockets, pouches etc. for keys, wallet, etc etc. , and (c) multi-seasonal i.e. All Weather garment. I ventured to suggest already has several tops fitting this description in wardrobe, but was scornfully ignored. Needless to say, having rampaged around Primark and returned in triumph with Yet Another Sports orientated garment, Two has now rootled around in wardrobe, and discovered two practically identical items hanging in squashed manner between quite a lot of natty shirts. Marks and Spencer Blue Harbour range, ( the sporty tops, not the shirts).Wonder who conceived brand-name? Sounds enticing to men who fantasise about standing on bridge of own vessel, slate blue eyes narrowed with concentration, salt spray stinging their skin as they grip the wheel (is it a wheel?) and steer towards distant horizon with the spirit of the buccaneer surging through their popping veins. Does the rowing machine at the gym quite fulfill these nautical fantasies I wonder? Anyway, am glad to report Two is now a Fully Fledged Sporty Garment Person. A man for all seasons. That is, until winter sets in, when I envisage Fur may come into play. Gets mighty cold up here.

Most accidents happen in the home.....

Am pondering on whether can sue cupboard door in kitchen, as launched unprovoked and vicious attack on self yesterday. Have lump on eyebrow to prove same. Was putting plates away and went to close door when it met sharply with head. Very sharply. Staggered about living room moaning expletives for some little while, before subsiding into chair and anxiously surveying damage in mirror. Small lump was already emerging. Lump still present this morning, but no bruising. Is possible Two has fixed powerful spring to door in order to Render Me Unconscious. Nearly succeeded.

On lighter note, have purchased bottle of Setting Lotion to use in conjunction with Very Large Indeed Rollers. Have in fact returned to days of Shampoo and Set. Will try it out later and report back. Am hopeful will emerge with Locked In Laughing Cavalier effect.

Disaster narrowly averted

Quite forgot to report this little episode. Go Hot and Cold when think of it. Was last Saturday night, when groomed to the last whisker, the epitome of rural sophistication, I set off for the pub. Was in act of opening front door and gingerly finding footing with killer heels, when Two burst out laughing. Assumed was something on telly and ignored him, until between guffaws he informed me I had a Very Large Indeed Roller stuck to my bum. They are of course the sort that adhere to hair of own accord. Was mortified. Had he not noticed, would have stalked into pub imperiously, and been Complete Laughing Stock. Still shudder when think of it. Must have sat on Very Large Indeed Roller on bed. Not often I am grateful to Two, (not often he notices what I am wearing actually), but is to his credit he told me. Like to think would reciprocate in similar circumstances, but think might be very tempted to Keep Quiet. Not that Two is likely to sit on Very Large Indeed Rollers. Am now paranoid and have taken to counting Very Large Indeed Rollers in and out. As narrow squeaks go, this was up there.

Life in general

Am sitting festooned with Extremely Large Rollers waiting for hair to dry. Two has gone to gym to be induced, (sounds faintly obscene). He will then no doubt play on the machines, and arrive back in state of near collapse. Has purchased horrible knee length blue shorts and also ordered new trainers for this enterprise. Obviously taking it very seriously. Seeing as he sprained his wrist lifting the kettle recently, I am not overly optimistic about his Fitness Level. He has been sporting a bandage over the afflicted area (any excuse), and has another adorning his knee which is Giving Him Pain. I am meeting old friend from Down South this afternoon for chin-wag in local cafe. She comes up occasionally to visit her daughter, so we Seize the Opportunity for chat. Having recently attended funeral of another friend, am feeling people are being Plucked From Me. She died quite quickly from cancer, and I shall miss her perky voice on telephone, and quirky sense of humour. Is very sad.

On lighter (or oranger) note, my face has become quite brown round the edges in manner of over-cooked pastry. I say brown, is really light orange. Hair still resolutely brown/grey/blonde combination. Need to address this. Am still awaiting delivery of treble recorder so can merrily pipe out tunes and infuriate neighbours. Saturday night at pub was a bit dire last week. Very Drunk Lady seized microphone from hapless singer, and began serenading us untunefully for some considerable time. Became very painful. When she launched into 'The Day the
Music Died', we nodded meaningfully at each other and vacated the bar. Proper singer was majorly pissed off, as well he might be.

Dilemma ever more pressing

The Horns of my Dilemma are indeed sharp. Increasingly so. Decision must be made. Am not prepared to reveal manner of dilemma yet. But is pressing.

Have today ordered treble recorder and book on how to play it. Why is everything underlined suddenly? Have no idea how to rectify this. Shall finish this Blog and await delivery of recorder, hopefully in next couple of days. Shrill piping shall float through the air, (actually shouldn't be shrill, as treble not descant), and am hopeful spirited rendition of Frere Jacque will shortly be possible. Played descant as child, was particularly nifty at 'Cock of the North'.

Roller Success!!!

Am settling down to men's semi-final at Wimbledon, but taking time out to report unmitigated success of Very Large Indeed Rollers. Is true I present rather alarming image, festooned with said rollers. am hoping no-one knocks at door. Circumference of head is increased greatly by presence of Very Large Indeed Rollers, and have just successfully landed Boeing 737 at East Midlands Airport by dint of rcceiving signals from Air Traffic Control.

At last, on removal of Very Large Indeed Rollers, am delighted to announce, hair is softly curling in manner of Laughing Cavalier, and surprisingly, suits self. Has also given desired Root Lift as predicted by 'Come over to basin Duck' hairdresser. True, is hard to lie down on sofa on Very Large Indeed Rollers, but beauty comes at a price. Are very prickly.