Haircut £7

Had haircut this morning which cost £7 as usual. Gone are the days of £100 at nefarious salons. Is just as good. Collected Two from Doctors surgery whence he had gone for consultation about The Great Itch. Has been itching on and off for years, clawing at self in night. Bag of medication has now reached mind-boggling proportions. Two never so happy as when surrounded by potions, lotions and myriad pills. I fear he may become one of the NHS cuts. Went to Sainsburys and found Much Panic Buying in progress, as More Snow Predicted. Having experienced the trauma of The Last Teabag, can understand why people are stocking up. Have now decided to journey down South via Banbury and High Wycombe, cannot face crossing London. Bought new flannel as sister appears to shower using hands only technique. Two is now crouched over his latest anti-itching medication avidly reading the leaflet. Is saying, 'dust-mite allergies' to self and is now eagerly swallowing the pill. He thinks it might even be hay-fever, which is highly unlikely in December. Aah, has moved onto Possible Side Effects, which are Very Alarming. Too late, has swallowed pill. If puffs up, has fast heartbeat or goes bald overnight, we are to contact doctor immediately.

The Great Trek South

Am sitting in the gathering gloom, watching Flog It. Two is stretched out on sofa. No fire today, as Very Cold Weather has abated, but is predicted to return soon. We are running out of coal, so hopefully Two will remedy this situation in the not too distant future. I am orf down South in next couple of days. Investigated coach as means of transport as suggested by sister. Discovered to horror journey takes nine hours!!! Am going by train via London God help me. Am anxiously awaiting confirmation from France that willy nilly barrage of Christmas Presents have arrived safely. Youngest daughter is visiting eldest daughter at the moment. All of my brood are therefore currently en France. Am still slightly shocked by debacle of Elvis and girlfriend at pub (see previous blog). I fear he may be non personna gratis from now on. Is that the right expression? Have received lengthy list of questions regarding family from cousin in Yorkshire, in order he can complete our side of the Family Tree, which is notable for four marriages between my sister and myself, and myriad relationships that don't involve marriage. Quite a few little ones born the wrong side of the blanket as they used to say. I fear he may faint with horror.

The King is dead

Lordy lordy!!! I fear Elvis has left the building, possibly forever. Saturday night was a farce of truly heroic proportions. Elvis has a girl-friend, younger than him, blonde, and quite frankly a bit of a slapper. He is obviously obsessed with this creature and rumour has it his wife has left him. He sang to her, gazing lovingly into her eyes. Between sets they behaved with unmitigated lust in the corner. Finally, new girl-friend began dancing next to him, in front of him, practically in his pocket. She was wearing very tight leggings, almost black tights, which were slightly transparent, and a very low cut top more suited to the summer. She walked (in tiny high heeled boots) in manner reminiscent of veloceraptor (spelling wrong), from Jurassic Park, and danced in most peculiar fashion, utterly unaware of shrieks of mirth from people in pub. As evening wore on she danced ever closer to Elvis while he struggled to sing with her hanging off him and gazing into his eyes. They became a double act of dubious veracity. The landlady remarked that 'we can do without this' as she gazed in horror at them. Alas I have to agree. Like I said, The King is Dead.

Things that go bump in the night

The snow is melting at snails pace, but huge clumps are falling off the roof and landing with loud thuds, making me (jittery is my default setting) jump and yell 'what was that'? However has Warmed Up a bit.

What a Tour De Force was the live episode of Coronation Street last night! Brilliant. As predicted, Molly succumbed to her injuries after Death Bed in Rubble Confession to Sally. Rita is still undiscovered in carnage of Cabin, mewing pitifully. Peter staged a Brilliant Death Bed Wedding scene, but will he be Brought Back? Was utterly amazing. Ashley has left behind a sobbing widow woman. Fizz gave birth prematurely with shrieks of agony which had me crossing my legs in sympathy. As you may have gathered, I was Very Impressed.

Will watch episode tonight before going to pub to see Elvis. What a varied and exciting life I lead.

Submarine Fest

Is not so cold today. Snow is thinning out. Watched disaster unfolding on Coronation Street last night. Think Molly is a goner. Ditto Ashley. Worried about Rita who is in the Cabin, possibly impaled on a piece of Thorntons Nut Toffee and her cries for help unheard. Is live episode tonight for whole hour! Highlight of week. Even Two is engrossed. Mind you he likes watching people in extremis. (Refer back to Lifting the Veil hints in previous blogs), After The Street, watched Das Boot for the whole five hours. Went to bed exhausted as felt had been battling North Atlantic conveys single-handed. Love submarine films. Today watched We Dive at Dawn, circa 1943. Very inspiring. Note to self: Get Run Silent Run Deep. Is aim to own whole genre. Have very diverse taste in films. Am Going Down South next week to visit family. Hope snow does not return.

Newsflash. Had shower yesterday. Found presence of electric heater helpful, but not quite as balmy in bathroom as had hoped. Someone has used up all my skin softening cream. Two denies all knowledge. Will need to venture out tomorrow to shop. Hopefully ice on roads greatly diminished by slight rise in temperature. Then to pub to see Elvis cavorting in a variety of satin jump-suits. If indeed he makes it through the snow. Watch this space.

Two struggles to outhouse

Yesterday Two found journey to outhouse extremely perilous (is all of six feet). This due to nightly re-freeze of already frozen and lumpy ground. However dedication to our feathered friends is paramount, have become Two's extended family. Took hammer out to bash icy surface (to no avail). Suggested he lays down sacking or similar. Am waiting for shrill cry and dull thud. Or dull thud and shrill cry. Have decided cannot bear daily round of TV, culminating in Countdown, Deal or no Deal, Weakest Link, Eggheads, etc.etc.etc. ad nauseum. Decided to watch film Cheri as am re-reading the book (by Colette). Beautiful. Coronation Street disaster continued later, am I alone in wondering why the Emergency Services took aeons to arrive? Regret to announce am still Unshowered, but have placed heater in position again. Also need to address Cutting Toenails now back has improved. Am considering venturing to pub tonight to break monotonous regime whilst Snow and Ice bound. Is now eleven in morning and Two is snoring on sofa. Was up very early (up to no good I expect) and is now fast asleep. I have despatched Christmas presents abroad via Amazon, in fashion best described as Willy Nilly. Panicked when saw news item describing problems with deliveries due to severe weather conditions. Am picturing bemused family confronted with pile of gifts unlabelled. Imagine will provide hours of amusement working it out. Or Snorts of Derision.

In the bleak midwinter

Is Tuesday, and actually rather unbleak. Sun is shining on snowy fields as far as eye can see. Small thaw has been stopped in tracks by freezing temperatures. Am sitting in snug dressing gown plucking up courage to Have Shower. Even with innovation of electric fire blasting through bathroom door, is still daunting prospect. Is sub-zero in there. Ditto the kitchen, where is best not to dawdle as danger of doing impersonation of wife of Lot, except for pillar of salt read block of ice. Watched Christmas Disaster on Coronation Street last night, well okay pre-Christmas disaster. Explosion, mayhem and tram careering off viaduct onto unfortunate and unsuspecting cast members. Was little worried by vision of tram driver plummeting onto poor Molly, (I think). He looked like one of those plastic drivers in a child's toy. Immobile. But I suppose Frozen with Terror. All very exciting. Four funerals and a wedding indeed. How the national psyche loves a Major Disaster.

Am bored now, so will have shower and then perhaps learn a few irregular French verbs. Well, pourqoi pas?

The last Teabag

Yes, two feet of the white stuff, and am officially snowed in. Down to last teabag and other provisions running low. Two is extremely anxious at Teabag Situation. I not so, as prefer coffee in morning anyway. So- tottered carefully to pub for meal, and Kindly Friend hearing of plight, offered to take me shopping in his jeep, if he can extricate same from Deep Deep Snow. He lives in remote spot, so am not hopeful. He phones me in morning and transpires he needs farmer to bring tractor and clear snow before he can get out. Gloom descends as Last Teabag has been squeezed dry. Eventually, hallelujah- Kindly Friend phones again, farmer has cleared snow, and jeep is operational. He duly arrives outside cottage and slight brouhaha follows as he tries to haul me (and bad back) into lofty vehicle. Safely esconced we proceed down slippy hill to village, where further brouhaha occurs as I attempt to alight from jeep without breaking neck. Kindly friend lifts me down, (probably thinking Southern Softy or similar), and shopping is duly accomplished. I arrive home, (brouhaha number 3), and Two greets teabags in manner of Long Lost Love. Has kettle on before I have removed wellies. Kindly farmer delivers Huge Sack Spuds, which is kind, but will never get eaten as enough for several families. Have donated some to pub rather than See Go To Waste. Big Freeze is continuing-but tractor has cleared car-park so car liberated.