Through the wall, loudly

I am in bed, quietly reading and minding my own beeswax. Suddenly from next door, a woman's voice, (presumably wife of The Lofty One), shouts 'I'm still your wife, even though we are getting divorced'. That was all. Intriguing. Manage to conquer dastardly impulse to fetch glass and listen through wall. Two has re-commenced driving, having received the all-clear from the neurologist, and leapt into action immediately. Disappeared for some hours, and returned home with bag of bird-seed and some groceries. Apparently is like riding bike, even after whole year, found driving came quite naturally. Am greatly relieved as Takes Onus off Me. I fully intend to Tut, and do Sharp Intakes of Breath when I venture out in passenger seat. Have decided need to whittle out wardrobe. as can find nothing, and is nightmare of squashed clothes and cantankerous coat hangers. My favourite male singer due at pub Friday and Saturday, so am looking forward to this. Need to Dig Out something nice to wear.

What's in a name?

Reluctant as I am to reveal my true identity to the legions following my blog (ahem), I am about to reveal that I am in fact married to Mr Two Hardy, and was therefore extremely affronted to receive a communication the other day addressed to self, as Mrs Hary. I will freely admit to the following; I am too thin, too jittery, too neurotic, too self-effacing sometimes, but I am NOT, and never have been, hirsute. There, got that off my chest along with the hair.

Has been fairly productive day. Have cleaned kitchen sink, hoovered, showered, annointed self with Skin Firming Cream, eaten requisite number calories, fetched Two from bus-stop after solitary expedition to local town for (ahem again) haircut. Has had usual cut, Vulpine. Have replied to e-mail from son and heir who was enquiring as to whether I had Put On Weight as could still not be seen from Space. Having explained Fattening Up Diet to him, received reply should perhaps Eat Some Fruit. Seems this might be counter-productive as need to retain food in system in order to Lay Down Layer of Fat, not rush same pell-mell through system. Has point though. Shall eat banana.

More leaping about

Saturday night at pub exceeded expectations, singer Vicki pulled in an Enormous Crowd, the place was heaving. I bravely (some may say foolishly) decided to wear 3" heels, which can be quite inhibiting if one is required to Leap About in manner of elderly gazelle. I was standing tapping my foot to the music when a guy I vaguely know, name of Bjorn, came up and announced he had seen me dance before, and would I care to tread a measure with him? He then escorted me to the Very Front where Vicki was belting out a rock number, and proceeded to twirl me round in a very energetic and innovative jive. He had all the moves, although he kept trying to spin me round with what seemed to be the wrong arm. I asked him if he was left-handed. No, he replied, I am Norwiegan (cannot spell this word). Anyway he comes from Norway. I did my best to keep up with his Scandinavian joie de vivre, but was horribly worried he might send me spinning like a top out of the door and half-way across the car-park. Finally it was over to my (and his) great relief. Spent rest of evening skulking behind clumps of people in case he decided to pounce again.

Arise Sir Bill!

High jinx at pub last night. Met Wife of Bill, hitherto unseen and generally considered to be Tragic Pub Widow, as Bill fully paid up member of The Late Crew on nightly basis. Mrs Bill is a hoot, very lively and very funny. After sinking several vodka and limes, she instigated experiment to levitate one of The Late Crew by dint of several people pressing down hard on victims head, then raising them up using only one thumb and finger. Hard to explain but you get the drift. Volunteers were surprisingly not forthcoming, and so the hapless and somewhat drunk Bill was pressed into service. Sitting on chair in middle of floor, he submitted to four hefty blokes pressing their hands down onto his head, and not I have to say, in very gentle way. Just when it seemed his head would disappear into his neck, Mrs B gave the command 'lift', thumbs and fingers were applied to various strategic points, and Bill rose a very wobbly inch, before landing back on stool with Dull Thud. Determined to Make This Work, Mrs Bill decreed a second attempt should be made, this time with Much More Pressure to head of hapless Bill. This time he did indeed rise a little higher- but the end result was the same-except the thud of his re-entry a little heavier. I can't help wondering if the whole episode was a sort of revenge by Mrs Bill on errant husband. Had she succeeded, he could still be hovering somewhere above the bar, having his pints passed up to him. I fear this would have been Bill's idea of heaven.

Gold Cup Day

Yes- is Gold Cup Day at Cheltenham and Two cannot be prised from TV coverage. He readily agreed to major concession, that I should Go To Supermarket On Own!!! How liberating! How merrily I skipped up and down the aisles, secure in knowledge I didn't have to locate Two, who is more than capable of spending five minutes reading the back of a packet of dried fruit. Mercifully I was not required to purchase fresh fish, as would almost certainly have bought wrong size/colour/species etc. With something approaching jubilation I shopped, paid, exited, and returned home in half the time it normally takes. Two was still glued to Cheltenham when I staggered to front door with bursting carrier-bags. Is hour later, and is still Glued to TV.

Have purchased More Anti-Wrinkle Cream in faint hope might erase ever more crinkles appearing on face. Accept is inevitable at my vast age will not eradicate all wrinkles, but game to the last I will Give It a Go. I am after all, Worth It.

A Deluge of Duvets

Eek! Two has changed his duvet cover yet again. Bright pink one with matching pillowcases has vanished and the landing sofa bed is positively vibrating with virulently striped number, again with matching pillowcases. Is giving me visual disturbance. And where pray has Bright Pink one gone? Is possibly lurking in washing machine.

Is last day but one of the Cheltenham Festival. Is early morning, Two is watching The Morning Line and fiddling with extraordinary amount of information on lap-top. Has not yet managed to back a winner, which given the vast amount of time and effort he expends, seems quite tragic. Think may search out duvet cover emblazoned with hooves, tails, and flying manes.

Must Pull Self Together and escape this relentless equine activity. May go to shops.

Accidentally published prematurely

Sorry about that. Didn't mean last post to end so soon . Was about to mention think am gradually Putting on Weight. Possibly. Two informed me I didn't look Quite So Gaunt. Am consuming bowl porridge every morning, made with full cream milk and festooned with sugar. Lunch is in manner of snack- but cheese is good. Evening meal and pudding to complete days calorie intake. I am trying.

Two appears to have purchased yet another duvet cover, this time in brightest pink imaginable, with matching pillow cases. Is quite startling. Have not yet found matching pink negligee, but watch this space. Am positively itching to go on retail therapy expedition, but reluctant to purchase clothes as size is problem. Will Hold back and concentrate on trying to reclaim sagging skin. Have gone into bold by mistake, is perennial problem. Think may wash hair soon with special thickening shampoo as recommended by daughter-in-law in Geneva. I hope it likes a challenge. My locks are getting sparser and the colour can best be described as brindle.

Glum and Glummer

Not only are the days dominated by Horse Racing at the Cheltenham Festival, (whoopy doo), but is like November outside. As it was yesterday. Foggy, gloomy, murky- and all adjectives relating thereto. Has just dawned on self that once Cheltenham is over, we still have Glorious Goodwood to look forward to. And so on . Think will Have Little Snooze this afternoon with Radio 4 playing softly in background.

Is Cheltenham Gawd help us

Two is in state of High Excitement, which is an annual event due to the advent of Cheltenham Week. This apparently is a High Spot of the horse racing calendar, and Two has been crouched even more fervently over his lap-top, examining a host of horsey factors relating to C.W. He will be completely incommunicado from tomorrow onwards, culminating in Gold Cup Day, when he will be incoherent with joy. I can barely contain myself. Have spent today dabbling in Little Light Housework, cleaning of windows (inside only), and attacking shower cubicle with Willit Bang- (always a concern as highly volatile product). It did however remove various nasty stains in grouting. Actually removed some of grouting as well. Polished painting of fox in living room, (Liam/Samantha), and as anticipated the Spring sunshine revealed Many Smears when had finished. Am not Good At Cleaning. Cannot understand why. Maybe have faulty gene.

Am greatly looking forward to Saturday at pub, as favourite girl singer Vicki performing. Saw her husband whilst Down South, although didn't speak, just exchanged startled looks recognition.
May have mentioned this before, but very strange coincidence indeed. Hmmm.

Eating for England

Is Thursday and quest to pile on the pounds continues. Have become thin in manner of matchstick woman and is not flattering. Legs are liable to snap and have developed revolting folds loose skin which need Plumping Out. Have consulted Google and appears avacado pears rich source fat (in a good way). Two returned from supermarket with glum news there are none to be found. Instead brought home vast quantities chocolate. Am valiantly stuffing self with high calorie foods and will probably have cardiac arrest as arteries under assault. Is tricky. Loss of weight probably stress related, so am telling self to Remain Calm and Not To Worry. Two as always impervious to stress, is showing signs of Beer Belly, which is odd given he doesn't drink beer. Could be build-up of haddock I suppose. My sister swears she sent me some paperwork relating to Mum's estate, but no sign of same yet. Have strong suspicion that sister in usual befuddled state has eaten envelope and posted her dinner to me. May sound bizarre, but highly probable. Am hoping is at least high in calories.

Sad time

Have returned home, after very sad few weeks down South. Mum passed away on February 7th. Can't bring myself to write about this yet, maybe as time goes on it will be easier. Suffice to say I have never seen anyone die before, and it had a profound effect on me.