Cock o the North

We have a cockerel living in the pub car-park, which is almost next door to us. He has apparently been rendered homeless by Heartless Farmer Bob, who cast him into the wilderness without hen, corn, or any apparent means of support. I have not been able to discover the crime of the cockerel, only that he has been thrown out of the coop, and left to fend for himself. Very Tall Next Door Neighbour has sort of adopted him, and for some bizarre reason has christened the hapless creature Elvis. As if he isn't suffering enough. He is a rather splendid specimen, gaily coloured, and given to crowing regularly throughout the daylight hours. I fear for Elvis, given the number of foxes around.

Two has noticed marked improvement in Bad Back. Although is still sitting bolt upright and wincing occasionally.

Two Tempts Providence

Two is still incapacitated. He made fatal mistake of driving to supermarket (through gritted teeth) and carrying shopping. Was determined to do so, as has Cabin Fever. Back now regressed to Sharp Pain on sitting, rising, and much else in between. Has I must admit become Quite Stoical, but is beginning to irritate me (quite a lot), as Cannot Settle and is forever hovering in various parts of room prior to agonising attempt to sit down. Last night he announced he would lie sideways on sofa in same manner as sleeps, and did so, whilst complaining could not hear telly properly through one ear. Has today decamped to dining room table, but cannot properly see telly from this distance. Is in short, Up Gum Tree. I repaired to bedroom where radio is, and am mercifully in hover free zone. Painted nails with polish that was present from Mad Sister at Christmas. Nails now dull pewter, which is not attractive. Whilst esconced in boudoir, applied liberal coating of Firming Up Lotion to sagging flesh. If it does what it says on the tin, I shall be able to notice Significant Improvement any day now. Chief objective is to Bring Arms Back, hopefully fit for public consumption. Failing this, shall spend summer Out Of Circulation. Am not summer person anyway, being pale and short on melanin.

Two, his back, and the Water Board

Is Tuesday morning and weather has reverted to temperatures we would expect for April. Has been 70 degrees recently and have bought New Summer Clothes on strength of this. Ah well. Two continues to Suffer Greatly, although reports Slight Improvement if doesn't move too quickly. No change there then. Water Board person knocked on door this morning announcing that there might be something wrong with the water. Having sunk several cups of coffee this morning, I immediately went into my default mode, jittery. He departed only to return with request to Test The Water. Apparently somebody down the road has reported brown flakes coming out of cold tap. I tried to control the quaver in my voice as I asked if it was safe to drink. Visions of being Rushed to Hospital and headlines 'Pensioner poisoned by pipes'. Water Board person reassured me as he ran cold tap, sniffed it and drank some. 'Tastes okay' he said, and proceeded to fill several little phials with samples, which he tested and pronounced 'normal readings'. Anxiety seeping from every pore, I persisted asking if it was safe to drink. He reassured me again, asking if I drank a lot of water. 'Oh gallons' I replied, scrutinising his face for any change of expression registering doubt, alarm, or indeed any concern at all. If we don't hear from him in a few days he announced, we can assume All is Well. This doesn't fill me with confidence. Am considering buying Bottled Water, Just In Case.

Two is not a happy bunny

Little postscript to previous blog. Somewhat unkindly I have just read it out to him, whereupon he began laughing, shrieked in agony, and advanced upon me (albeit slowly) with murderous intent. Am signing off now before am felled by lurching person.

Two struggles on

Is Thursday and Two is still severely incapacitated by Bad Back. He is once again prone on sofa, and is adding new expressions of anguish to his already considerable repertoire. The latest is best described thus; long-drawn out groan of agony, as in 'arrrgh, arrrgh, arrgh', followed by highly impressive interpretation of tetanic spasm, complete with horrible rictus expression, in manner reminiscent of one who has imbibed strychnine. ( I watch a lot of Miss Marple). Occasionally Two suffers Major Twinge whilst standing, during which he somewhat unnervingly fixes me with gimlet eye and baleful glare, as if is my fault. Feel compelled to adopt expression of extreme concern and proffer help, which is rejected with irritable wave of hand. He has just levered himself upright and is standing more or less upright, gazing vacantly around room. 'What are you looking for' I venture. I can almost see his mind wavering about like a piece of cobweb. 'I don't know' he admits, and with Huge Sigh, lowers himself gingerly back onto sofa. Cue Long Drawn Out Groan of Agony, and wait for it............yes- here comes the Piece de Resistance- The Horrible Horrible Tetanic Spasm with Rictus. Must find contact number for Producer of Miss Marple.

Two is Laid Low

Is lovely sunny Wednesday. Two is lying prone on sofa suffering (loudly) with bad back. He put it out yesterday morning, whilst apparently attempting some strange acrobatic feat in bathroom involving putting foot onto wash-basin. Balletic warm-up prior to swift jette and pirouette? No. In order to apply liberal coating Aqueous Cream. Better I feel to have utilised edge of bath, is considerably lower. Anyway, is reduced to near immobility, any attempt at movement elicits loud Squeal of Agony followed by many many expletives of the four letter variety. On bright side, now have Two At My Mercy. Am severely tempted to remind him of many times have put own back out, and accusations of Being A Drama Queen. He is continually bleating that he can't understand How It Happened, has not done anything unusual, indeed is regularly to be found with foot on wash-basin. The bathroom has attacked him twice now. Last week he threw away the shower cleaner (without prior consultation) claiming the residue had run down into shower tray and inflicted Extremely Large Red Pimples on feet. Well honestly. Have just purchased fresh supply shower cleaner which will hide and continue to use. Won't be able to shower for some time now anyway, as In Agony. I put his socks on today (fighting queasiness) as cannot reach feet, and can report absolutely no evidence of afore-mentioned pustules.