Diary date 3rd March 2010

Delighted to find weather still in mode of Lamb, which is excellent because today there is to be An Expedition To Derby. Am showered by 9am and good to go by 10.45, if not exactly hot to trot. Two has been earnestly consulting bus time-table, and announces we shall drive down road, park car, and then catch the 11.20 bus to Derby. Bus passes at ready, (thanks to largesse of Government), we present ourselves at bus-stop and wait. And wait. I start reading time-table at bus-stop, and discover no bus to Derby passes here until late afternoon. Grit teeth as Two informs me is possible his time-table may be out of date. We re-trace our steps to car, Two chortling in infuriating manner at faux pas. It is decided we poodle into Matlock, as already out, nice day, etc.etc. Two is still chortling quietly, but assumes more serious expression as I start engine. Unable to drive due to medical condition, he continually criticises, tuts, and Sucks in Breath Sharply when I drive. As we approach Matlock he clears his throat and says, 'Can I ask a question'? Experience should have dictated I ignore this, and I do, but he goes on anyway. 'Why did you brake to reduce your speed from 40 to 30 when you knew the 30 mph sign was coming up'? This in tone which can be only described as pompous. I am in no position to answer, as am taking evasive action to avoid hitting man opening car door and emerging into traffic. This manoeuvre elicited Sharp Intake of Breath, which I ignore, and continue on and park, (Sad Shake of Head). As he departs for the Pay and Display I fight very real temptation to run him over.

We repair to local hostelry which appears to be frequented mainly by the Halt and Lame, and Two orders me hot chocolate, and for himself coffee and small whisky. Is this unsubtle attempt to convey state of nerves following journey? After calming libation, Two announces he will visit bus-station to obtain new time-table, and adds he needs to visit chemist. Mysteriously declines to enlighten me as to why, but surmise must be new surgical gloves, or possibly valium. Turns out remedy for constipation is needed. Refrain from remarking that my driving should be effective cure. Journey home uneventful, except for Slight Wince as I park.

Decision is made to re-programme visit to Derby for tomorrow. Light fire, eat supper and watch telly.