Diary date 4th March 2010

Draw curtains to discover un-lamb-like day. Weather forecast predicts Extremely Chilly Wind, and Colder Than Yesterday. However, expedition to Derby still on. New timetable assures there is bus (at completely different stop) at 11.15. We arrive at correct stop in Plenty of Time. Have debate while waiting regarding spelling of word 'installments' in shop window. I say should be 'instalments' and decide to check in dictionary later. Standard of spelling generally quite poor these days.

Bus arrives on time, and we receive tickets from driver emblazoned with acronym OAP. Feel this is not best way to encourage sprightliness and upbeat demeanor. Would prefer something more subtle and respectful, as personally feel OAP has connotations of Doddery and Dribbling. Glance sideways at Two, and note is in fact dribbling, but attribute this probably due to Extremely Chilly Wind. Spend journey thinking up new acronym for senior citizens, and decide IMP sounds much better, as in Important Mature Person, hinting at possible mischeviousness, instead of Doddery and Dribbling. Will put forward suggestion to Powers That Be. Also dream up scheme whereby IMPS wear golden insignia denoting position in society, and is compulsory for young people to salute us.

As we approach outskirts of Derby, am alarmed to read message at bus-stop saying, 'Bleeding from the bottom'. I lean forwards and ascertain rest of message is advertisment for bowel cancer. Well, not advertisment as such, but you know what I mean. Image of Bleeding from Bottom remains uncomfortably uppermost in mind as we finally disembark at Derby. Extremely Chilly Wind much in evidence as passengers alight, eliciting Small Group Gasp, Dribbling and Doddering.

We dive into first shop to escape cold, where I purchase film 'Milk', true story of Harvey Milk the Gay Rights activist, which is reduced to £4. Also CD of Bruce Springsteen reduced to £4. Cannot lurk forever in shop and decide to explore further, although Frozen to the Marrow. Almost immediately we are stopped in our tracks by loud and extremely aggressive expletives from other side of road. Very angry man is haranguing other man, and things look ugly for a moment. Am intimidated by this, and we plunge into MacDonalds in search of hot coffee and cheeseburgers. Is packed, but manage to find seat, and settle down to meal. Am horrified moments later to hear strident female at next table shriek, 'Fight! Fight!' Watch in amazement as entire clientele rush to window to observe fracas in street. Resist temptation to join them, but screw head round and can just make out two female bodies, locked together on the ground, rolling past the window. Can distinctly see hank of hair in one female's hand. No sign of local constabulary, and baying crows stay at window laughing merrily and uttering yelps of encouragement. Am reminded of film 'Gladiator'. Decide to Cut Day Short and return home.

Home, and phone rings. Is youngest daughter struggling with further unreasonable behaviour of boy-friend. She has decided to spend the night in hotel, as Cannot Bear to Go Home. Tell her my opinion, which includes much use of words such as Irresponsible and Feckless, but am eventually accused of Harping On. Back down, assure love, support, and constant vigil at end of telephone if needed. Recover from this and watch Two going through fire-lighting process. He suddenly stops mid-meticulous placement of coal, and confides that his constipation has been going on for two weeks, and myriad remedies have failed to make a difference. I cluck sympathetically, and gently inquire as to whether this means he Hasn't Been for two whole weeks. 'No no', he says, sooty surgical gloves raised in horror. Feel I cannot pursue as do not want to hear gruesome details concerning straining, particles passed etc. Two then glumly relates tale of woman who ran a sweet shop and was an acquaintance of his dad's, who Had'nt Been for two weeks and subsequently died. Find it hard to imagine lady in sweet-shop confiding intimate details of this nature over the aniseed balls, but reassure Two that this is not likely to happen to him.

Meagre supper as food shopping not done in Derby. Scrambled eggs for me, but not good idea for Two in view of Binding. Later watch new film 'Milk' and agree Sean Penn very good in it.

Remember to check spelling of 'instalments' in dictionary. Am gratified to find am not mistaken.